Smack Me On The Forehead!

Here's one of those moments where I ended up smacking myself on the forehead . . . unfortunately only those with Facebook accounts will get the full meaning of the story!

It started this morning when allergies caused me to excessively rub my left eye. Unfortunately, that lead to . . .

Problem #1: My contact lense somehow doubled over and slid way up underneath my eye lid! Ack! Who'd ever thought that could happen???

(Actually, this is not the first time this has happened to me!)

As you would think, this lead directly to . . .

Problem #2: Half-blurry double vision. When you look at the world through both eyes but only one contact lense you get half-blurry double vision.

Looking at the world through your good eye is like watching TV in high definition. But looking at the world through your bad eye is like watching that old video of Bigfoot - you think you know what you're looking at but you're not quite sure!

Problem #3: This all occurred while sitting in my car in Granbury, Texas - at least an hour away from home!

Being the good citizen that I am, I gave a public service annoucement of my impaired vision/impaired driving via a Facebook Status update and warned everyone to stay off I-35W for their own safety - I'm such a nice guy!

Now fast forward to later in the day when I received a voice mail from a co-worker asking about a rep of ours out in Midland. I decided to text her back on cell phone and tell her that he had quit and left the company. Here's what I actually wrote:

"Jason quit last month. He's now at a oil/gas drilling company in Midland. Actually a cool deal - the company had been chasing him for months."

Problem #4: Because I was half blind from losing a contact lense, I didn't see that instead of texting my co-worker I was actually texting my Facebook Status update.

Problem#5: Instead of my private text message going only to my co-worker, it was sent to over 200 of my friends on Facebook . . . one of which was Jason!

An hour later, I got a message from Jason, "Uh, why is your Facebook status about me?"

Raise arm. Turn palm towards forehead. Smack!!

The moral of my little story: Get LASIK!!

What Not To Do When Driving A Rental Car . . .

. . especially when you're not listed as one of the drivers on the rental agreement!



Here's my "Griswald Moment" during our trip to Lake Tahoe.  I wish there was an exciting story that went along with this photo but the short story is that I caused over $2,000 worth in damages by driving my dad-in-law's rental over a curb . . . all while he was watching!



Wanna get away?

I'm on the FAA's Watch List!

In the midst of last week's insanity, there actually was something you'll find pretty funny that happened on my flight back to Fort Worth.

Catching a 6 AM flight meant that I had to wake up at 3 AM in order to get to the airport on time. And since I didn't fall asleep in my hotel room until around 12:45 AM because I was so worried about Tate, it's fair to say that I was traveling in a sleep deprived stooper.

But if there's is one good thing about flying at the crack at dawn is that most flights that early have a few open seats up in First Class. Hoping to get a little more leg room for sleeping, I threw down my AAdvantage Gold Member card and gave the lady at the check-in counter my best pathetic puppy dog eyes look!

Score! Maybe there really is some good left in the Evil Empire after all!

With my extra cushy First Class seat leaning back in ultra-recline, I put Mozart's Requiem on auto-repeat on my iPod and slept nearly the entire 3.5 hour flight home.

I could tell when I woke up that we were descending and so I jumped into the lavatory (which was just ahead of my seat) to put in my contacts but as soon as I did, someone started banging on the door!

Immediately annoyed at whoever couldn't wait a whole stinkin' 2 minutes for me to mess with my contacts, I cracked open the door only to find an irate flight attendant instead!

"SIR! THE LANDING GEAR IS DOWN AND WE ARE ABOUT TO LAND! RETURN TO YOUR SEAT IMMEDIATELY AND FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELT!!!!"

Apparently in my dazed-and-confused-sleep-deprived stooper, I had failed to notice when I woke up that we were, in fact, literally about to land!

Had you been there, you may have been impressed with how I was able to exit the lavatory, get in my seat and fasten my seat belt . . . all in one motion!

I spent the remaining 3 minutes of our flight starring out my window and acting like I didn't notice the glare I had caught from the guy sitting next to me!

(Hey pal, mind your own business!)

I bet that flight attendant had flashbacks to her security training videos when saw me hop out of my seat and start toward the front of the plane so quickly! One more step closer to the cockpit and I probably would have been tasered by two trigger-happy, undercover air marshalls!

But in my defense, wasn't the flight attendant supposed to wake me up to tell me to turn off my iPod and return my seat to its full upright position?

Oh, well! It's not exactly the A List most people hope for but at least now maybe I won't have to show my ID to the FAA all the time when I travel - they'll already know who I am!

Keep All 6 Feet on the Floor!

There's not much about Mrs. Hamilton's 4th grade class that I remember - which is more of an indictment of me as a student than it is of her as a teacher.

There is one thing I do remember - mostly because Mrs. Hamilton had to say it 10 times a day.

"Wade! Keep all 6 feet on the floor!"

Yep, I was a chair-leaner! Forward. To the side. Backward. It was mostly a nervous habit I did without consciously realizing it (a typical characteristic of ADHD).

Sometimes I actually tried to improve my chair-leaning skills. Mrs. Hamilton gave me Silent Lunch one day when I nearly fell back and busted my head open after attempting the tricky maneuver of balancing only on the back two feet of the chair.

But, all in all, my chair-leaning days have been accident-free . . . until last night! This probably falls in the 'just had to be there' category, but . . .

After our Home Team Bible Study at Brad & Melissa's house, we were all in the dining room eating pizza and bashing the Dallas Cowboys . . . when all of a sudden, through no fault of my own, my chair spontaneously explodes and I'm thrown across the room and nearly through a plate-glass window!

Well, what actually happened was I performing the subtle '2-0-2 Lean' - that's where your own two feet are on the floor but your leaning back so that the front 2 feet of the chair are elevated only a couple inches. (I became good at this particular lean after my Silent Lunch because it's harder to notice).

Apparently the 2-0-2 puts an enormous about of pressure on the rear chair legs - who knew? When my chair broke, the back legs literally split down the middle from the seat down, which sent me falling backwards and nearly crashing through the dining room window!

Now keep in mind, this wasn't your run-of-the-mill kitchen chair that Melissa picked up from Furniture 'R Us. Oh no! This was her dining room chair with the real pretty fabric and fancy wood finish. A set of 8, ahem, 7 rather thanks to me!

Another proud moment for Kelly!

Ever felt like a big, fat klutz and only 6 inches tall at the same time?

Brad and Melissa were cool about it (at least in front of me). Brad tried to make me feel better by telling me some story about how he had done the same thing one time. Melissa tried to play it off like it was no big deal. But, Mrs. Hamilton from 4th grade suddenly walked through the front door and yelled, "Told you so!" - which was actually kinda weird!

Adding insult to injury, when I got back home last night I had to change my "Days Accident-Free" sign back to zero!

Again, I am so sorry, Brad & Melissa!