Wade vs. Road

Watching the Olympics got my competitive juices flowing so I thought I'd conjure up some friendly competition.

Since cycling versus a clock or versus some other "Armstrong wanna-be" seemed a bit boring, I had the idea of seeing what would happened when I went up against a road.

200 lbs of flesh, bone and bicycle versus several tons of gravel, limestone, sand and concrete. I know - genius, isn't it?

Place your bets!


Yep, those are 4 sutures . . . and there are 3 more underneath my skin that will dissolve in a couple of weeks. Needless to say, I lost my first head-to-head competition versus the road!

Oh well, there's always London 2012!

I'm purposefully being a bit facetious because I don't want Jeremy to feel bad for cutting me off while riding our bikes early this morning. As we approached an intersection, he thought I knew that we were turning right - I thought we were going straight.

Jeremy’s back wheel meet Wade’s front wheel. Wade meet road. Wade meet nice physician at neighborhood urgent care.

(Which happens to be the same urgent care that sewed up my finger last year!)

Shannon & Audra would be proud of me - I didn't scream, cry or make a fool out of myself by acting like a little baby - though they did have really cool retro Transformer stickers that nobody bothered to offer me!

I think my lifetime suture count is now up to 22. Is that worth a medal for anything?

Mama Come Home!

Kelly headed down to San Antonio this past weekend for a much deserved trip on her own to see an old roommate. That left Tate and I home alone to do guy stuff like swing in the back yard, eat Krispy Kremes and swim at the local mini-Hurricane Harbor.

Unfortunately it was not a weekend without its tears . . . for either of us!

Me first.

Tate and I were in the back yard playing our favorite game of Swing & Dog Poop. That's where Tate flies back and forth in his swing while I clean up dog poop. I don't care for the game much myself but Tate really seems to enjoy it.

But this time was particularly bad - while bending over to pick up Macy's latest contribution to our yard I suddenly felt something crawling just behind my ear. Then there was a sudden stinging pain!

I slapped the back of my head and watched a crumpled up wasp fall to the ground! I got stung by a wasp while cleaning up dog poop!!

Crimeny!

Since I didn't feel that stomping it to death was sufficient retribution for its malfeasance, I rushed into the house and grabbed a can of bug spray for good measure!

(This proves that I would be a terrible world leader as I always opt for chemical warfare!)

I didn't have any reaction to the sting other than a burning scalp and a serious case of the "creepy crawlies."

Stupid wasp!

Tate had a great weekend . . . if you exclude the fact that he spent it teething!!!!

I actually wondered if Kelly purposefully planned to be away this weekend - not that I blame her if she did!

I thought surely the local swimming pool could appease him but there was no such luck. In fact, he had an all out meltdown and screamed at some lady just for swimming too close to us! I was quick to apologize and tell her that Tate was teething but she gave me one of those "Uh-huh, sure!" looks!

Whatever, Flipper!

The sad part was hearing Tate ask for Kelly all weekend long, "Mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama!"

Oh sure, it's cute and adorable . . . until you hear it 50 times in a row!! At which point I caved in as well, "Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly!"

Oh well! When all else fails - try sugary snacks!

Now I'm Just Mad!!

What can possibly be worse than getting a stomach virus for the 3rd time in as many months?: Getting a stomach virus the day before your niece is born!

So while everyone else is at the hospital today anticipating Morgan's arrival, I'm home in bed anticipating my next dash to the bathroom!

I can't tell you how mad I am right now!

My Eyes Are Stressed!

Central Serous Retinopathy.

That's medical-ese for "vision in my right eye is blurry".

About a month ago I noticed the vision in my right eye had gone blurry. Thinking it had something to do with a new set of contacts I had just started, I first accused my optometrist of jacking with my prescription.

After two return visits to my optometrist and an hour-and-a-half long retinal interrogation by an opthamologist, I've been diagnosed with central serous retinopathy.

In layman's terms, the capillaries in the back of my eye burst open and leaked plasma (???) which caused a little bump underneath my retina. The bump is causing my blurred vision.

The opthamologist said that it's not serious and should resolve itself in about 3 to 6 months.

Er . . . excuse me? Did you say 3 to 6 months? You mean that I'm going to be giving people the one-eyed Popeye stare for the next 3 to 6 months?

Do I even have to describe to you how difficult it is to ride my bike with only one eye open? It's a freggin' ambulance-ride-to-the-ER waiting to happen!

Well isn't this just peachy!

My doctor said that it's actually common among thirty-somethings who work in a high-stress environment.

"Have you been particularly stressed lately?"

I went into freeze-frame for a nanosecond as I pondered if there was anything stressful in my life at the moment. Hmmmm . . . .

- I'm launching a new product line at work which means higher quotas and more travel time.

- Despite the new product launch, my company is threatening lay-offs . . . a month before Christmas!

- Two words: Single income.

- Kelly and I have an 11-month old who doesn't seem to care much about crawling and/or walking.

- Kelly and I are trying to decide on a new church home.

- My grandmother died last month.

- I'm helping my Dad with a few projects as he expands his practice into a new location.

- I'm blatantly neglecting our golden retriever because at the end of the day I'm too dogged-gone exhausted to play with her.

- Oh, and I can't see squat out of my right eye!

"Gee, doc, no more stressed than usual."

Laser surgery is out because it apparently isn't any more effective than eye drops. Eye drops are a beating because you have to take them 3 times a day and there's no guarantee they'll make any difference.

Umph!

What I don't get is that if you put plasma behind your TV screen you see things more clearly. But if you put plasma behind your retina the whole world looks like a bad hangover . . . not that I would know what that looks like!

So let me issue this Public Service Announcement for those of you in the North Texas area: Don't get mad during the next 3 to 6 months if I nearly run you over in my car while you're walking down the right side of the road - chances are you were just in my blind spot!

Keep on my left North Texas!

I've Got A Stomach Virus And A Urinary Track Infection! Isn't That Hysterical?

. . . At least it is for Tate!

During my post-Cowboy game celebratory activities yesterday afternoon (by the way, after a talk with a friend of mine today I've discovered that I have a new found man-crush on Tony Romo!) I noticed my stomach making some not-so-funny noises. The next thing I knew I was yukkin' up my lungs in the bathroom!

Apparently it's all fun and games for Tate because every time he heard me ralph from the other room he would squeal and laugh out loud! Pretty darn funny isn't it, little guy!

What do I have to do for a little sympathy around here? Sheesh!

I'm feeling a little better thanks to a cocktail of assorted 8-syllable prescription medications. I'm also hoping that taking in tonight's game of Patriots v Bengals will help a little as well.

And, no, there is nothing that could happen tonight that would make me have a man crush on Tom Brady!

I Know, I Know . . . Only Me!

Initially I decided to keep this little nugget to myself. But who am I to deprive you of yet another episode of "Wade's Anatomy!"

I woke up this morning and immediately noticed that I had a lot of ear wax in my ears. Since I wear a hearing aid, I'm pretty particular about keeping my ears clean - a clean ear means a clean hearing aid!

(Some of you will know what I mean sooner or later!)

Anyway, I grabbed a Q-Tip and began cleaning my ears. Unfortunately, the problem presented itself when the Q came off the Tip and got lodged down in my ear. Way down in my ear! Way down in my one good ear!

No sweat! Just grab a pair of tweezers and pull it out, right? One little problem - no tweezers!

Apparently I didn't realize how noisy I was being by digging around in our bathroom looking for a pair of tweezers because I woke up Kelly and she wanted to know what the commotion was all about - it didn't help that I didn't hear her the first two times she asked!

When I told her what I had done all I could hear through the 100% cotton swab was a muffled, "Wade Strzinek!" - which gave me the impression that she wouldn't be getting out of bed to help!

So at 6:30 AM, I left the house to go to the grocery store to purchase 1 pair of tweezers - $5.49 plus tax.

As my luck would have it, I got stuck behind some lady in the check-out lane buying, no joke, 10 boxes of cereal. For some reason 10 weren't enough because she kept going back for more! A little hungry this morning?

After her 2nd trip back she turned and said something to me but having absolutely no clue what she said I could only assume she was apologizing profusely for delaying my reunion with sound . . . so I just gave her failed-smile and said in a voice loud enough for even me to hear, "No problem! Take your time!"

So once Ms. "I'm Starting A Fiber Only Diet!" had finally checked out it took me all of 30 seconds to pay for my tweezers and pull out the cotton swab as I walked out the door!

Oh sweet sound!

So the moral of this story is if you use a Q-Tip to clean your ears first make sure you have tweezers. Because if your Q-Tip gets lodged in your ear and you don't have tweezers then you'll have to go to the grocery store at the crack of dawn!

And that's a terrible way to start a Monday!

Why Does This Stuff Happen To Me?

Today is my 32nd birthday. Unfortunately, it's one I'll never forget.

It started out great with 45-mile bike ride in the morning - although I nearly died of heat stroke towards the end.

I actually remember telling myself during the ride to be extra careful because it would really stink to have an accident and have to spend my birthday in the ER.

(In High School, we referred to this as foreshadowing)

With family coming over later for dinner I made my way into the kitchen in the afternoon to start cutting the husks off of my world famous grilled corn on the cob. Suddenly I noticed that I wasn't cutting corn husks - I was cutting my finger!

Blankity-blank-bleepin'-blank!

Kelly and I did all that we could to stop the bleeding but we soon realized I would need stitches! And on my birthday no less!!

So with company due at 6:30, dinner for 11 nowhere near ready, the house a mess, Tate about to wake up and needing to be fed and neither of us dressed for the evening, I left at 5:00 for the urgent care clinic.

I have to hand it to Kelly. If I were her I would probably just said 'the heck with it' and ordered pizza! But somehow she was able to get everything ready in time all by herself. I wonder if that has anything to do with her being passed out on the couch right now.

As for me, I got to go pay $35 to have 5 sutures implanted in my finger. When it looked like I wasn't going to get out of there anytime soon I started to fake fainting due to a loss of blood. I guess I'm not a very good actor because it still took 2 hours to get in and out.

Dinner back at home went great and my family was super-sympathetic. And now I have to say that the only thing that really hurts at the moment is realization that those stinkin' Dallas Cowboys have some type of dang mental block when it comes to playing the Houston Texans! Those stinkin' Cowboys!

Maybe for my birthday next year Kelly will buy me a book on self-preservation. That is, of course, if I make it to my next birthday!

Only Half-Sicko

Thanks to flu-like symptoms, I'm wide awake in the middle of the night - umph!

Having flu-like symptoms stinks because eventhough I feel bad (muscle aches, sore throat, and chills) I'm not all-out sick (no temperature) - which means that I'm sick enough to stay at home but not sick enough to get the full-service sympathy treatment from the wife . . . especially with a 6-month old in the house!

Which leads me to admit that, when it comes to being sick, I'm probably more of a baby than Tate is. I know, that greatly deminishes your perception of me, doesn't it?

I think it has to do with the way I was treated when I got sick while growing up - I'm not an "only child" but since both my brother and sister are so much older than me I basically grew up as the only child in the house. Which meant that I was able to demand (and get) everyone's sympathy when I got sick.

I'm sure Kelly is pleased with that little aspect of my childhood!

So having said that, feel free to feel sorry for me! You're more than welcome to send flowers - but truth be told, I'd much more appreciate a Cookies & Cream shake from Chick-Fil-A!

WebMD says they're great for sore throats - at least that's what I'm telling Kelly!

I Hate Allergies . . . and Walgreen's Customer Service!!

Kelly, Tate and I stopped at the Walgreen's Drive-Thru last night to pick up my allergy medication.

After we had sat 2nd in line for over 10 minutes and seeing no hope of pulling forward to the window, Tate decided he was done waiting. It's amazing how much louder that boy seems to cry when you're sitting inside a car. On top of that, his cry turns so pitiful when he gets really hungry! I'll try to get it on tape for you sometime.

Since I couldn't bear hearing Tate's wails of misery any longer, I decided I'd just come back for my allergy medication tomorrow - big mistake!

It's now 4:00 AM tomorrow morning and my allergies are flaring up big time! I can't breathe! I can't sleep! I'm sneezing! I'm hacking! And I've completely slathered my entire upper body with Vick's Vaporub - so now when ever I do get a breath of air it's 90% Vaporub fumes and only 10% oxygen . . . which means I'm starting to see some freaky-weird hallucinations!

And to top it off, Tate has been wide awake since 3 AM! He's fine so long as somebody holds him. Have you ever tried blowing your nose with one hand while trying to hold a baby with the other? Yeah, I don't think Tate would recommend it either!

Whew! I just got rescued by Kelly - it's feeding time again which usually means Tate will be out like a light once he's done (cross your fingers!). Poor Kelly, tonight she has 2 babies keeping her awake!

Too bad Roanoke doesn't have a 24-Hour pharmacy, they'd be getting my business as well as this sad tale of woe right about now! But don't worry, my pharmacist will get a chance to hear all about my early morning once he opens in another 3 hours! I think I'll get there so that I'm standing at the door when he unlocks it!

Sorry to vent - I guess I'm hoping somebody will feel my pain!