I'm No Grizzly Adams

One thing Kelly and I wanted to do while in Lake Tahoe was to take Tate on a real nature hike. Tall green trees. Snow-capped mountains. Beautiful blue lake. Furry little chipmunks.



And according reading this sign, man-eating animals as well!

In case you can't read the first line, it says: "The area you are entering contains habitat suitable for both black bears and mountain lions. Although rare, sightings may occur."



Oooookay . . . good to know!Did I ever tell ya'll about my completely irrational fear of being mauled by wild animal? Seriously, I can't even watch movies like The Edge because I can't handle scenes where people get served up to lions, tigers and bears!



(And you're a dork if you just said, 'Oh my!')



Further instruction from the posted sign said to "Carry a walking stick or pepper spray for protection."



Uh, how about I just shoot the lion and/or bear with a .44 Magnum or a .30-06 with a long range scope instead?



C'mon, pepper spray? Give me a break! By the time you actually figured out how to squirt some "liquid fire" into the a charging cougar's eyes he would have already eaten half of your arm off!



The sign also suggests that if you happened to be attacked by a moutain lion or black bear then "fight aggressively!"



Oh sure, why didn't I think about that! My first thought would have been instead to scream like a girl and run like h-e-double hockey sticks! But I can see how fighting aggressively might work also . . . especially when you've got your 18-month old strapped on your back and your wife of nearly 10 years right behind you!!



Needless to say, I was more than a little nervous while we were on the trail. Every where I looked, I saw landscape similar to the scene in [name any movie where someone gets whacked by a mountain lion.] Even Kelly noticed I was getting a bit tense.



Unfortunately what we had planned on being an hour-long hike through God's backyard ended up being only a 15-minute stoll barely 200 yards into the vast wilderness! I had to turn back. Seriously, that sign really freaked me out.



But we got a chance to take a few very quick pics before returning civilization. I know it looks like I'm smiling but I'm actually flashing my big, sharp teeth for any potentially stalking predator to see!







I guess I'll always be a city boy!

Things I Heard While Vacationing in California

Rather than give you a play-by-play of what happened on our trip (I'll leave that to Kelly), let me instead share some of the 'behind the scenes' moments that lead to plenty of discussion while in Lake Tahoe.



1.  "We haven't served hamburger pizza in 25 years." -

Who said it:  A manager working at Round Table Pizza.  Pretty good pie.  Just don't ask for ground beef.  If you do, they'll look at you as if you have 3 heads!



My response:  "Failed smile" and an overly sarcastic, 5-minute diatribe at my table about how "absurdly high maintenance" it was of me to ask for pizza topping options beyond that of just pepperoni, saugsage and canadian bacon.



2. "So what exactly is sweet tea anyway?"

Who said it:  Aunt B, my favorite NoCal aunt-in-law who obviously hasn't spent enough time in the South!

My response:  I just looked at her like she had 3 heads.



3.  "Sir, you can't sleep here!"

Who said it:  A security guard at Harrah's in Lake Tahoe after I apparently broke some unwritten rule that you're not supposed to fall asleep in a casino lounge at 11:45 at night!



My response:  "Yeah, I can - I just did!"



4.  "How come Tate can take a nap but I can't?"



Who said it:  Me, when I was so dog tired from Tate waking up at 6 AM that morning thanks to the time change.  It was late morning when I said it and I wanted to take a nap.  Unfortunuately, it was time for me to pack up the car.



Kelly's response: That look she gives me when she doesn't want to hear it! 



5.  "I'm not too crazy about Chick-Fil-A."

Who said it:  Stephanie, my mom-in-law just after we had a delicious and affordable meal at one of America's finest fast food restaurants.



My response:  "How can you not be crazy about Chick-Fil-A?  What are you, a terrorist?"

What Not To Do When Driving A Rental Car . . .

. . especially when you're not listed as one of the drivers on the rental agreement!



Here's my "Griswald Moment" during our trip to Lake Tahoe.  I wish there was an exciting story that went along with this photo but the short story is that I caused over $2,000 worth in damages by driving my dad-in-law's rental over a curb . . . all while he was watching!



Wanna get away?

To The Guy Who Sat Behind Us On The Flight Home From Lake Tahoe . . .

1.  Excuuuuuuse us for having a 18-month old who would have the audacity to cry while sitting in the row in front of you!



2.  Oh yes, we heard your grunts and grumblings and felt your kicks in the back of our seats nearly the same instant Tate started crying.  If you can't handle a baby crying for 2 minutes then you wouldn't last half an hour in our world, buddy!



3.  I know I'm not supposed to judge but . . . you're a neanderthalian jerk!



(There, I said it!  Now let's all stop for a moment so said-nimrod can go look up "neanderthalian.")



4.  I admit that Tate had a full-blown meltdown while we were still sitting at the gate but that was because we purposefully kept Tate awake over an hour past his naptime so that he would sleep during the flight.



5.  I hope you felt bad when Tate fell asleep in the time it took for the plane to taxi out to the runway.



6.  And I hope you felt even worse 3 hours later when the pilot told us that we were beginning our decent into D/FW . . . because that was about the same time Tate woke up from his nap! 



He slept through the entire flight!!!!



7.  So let me spell this out for you (you big baby!), my wife held a sleeping 22 + pound baby in her arms for 3 stinkin' straight hours so that you could have your precious quiet time doing whatever it was you were doing back there!



And since you can't recognize it when you see it, what we did is referred to as "good parenting" - a rather simple concept that is obviously far too complex for you to appreciate let alone understand!



8.  Let there be no doubt in your mind that my glare when I came back from the restroom was meant for you, pal!

Who couldn't love our sweet sleeping boy?

(The big, dumb animal sitting in 4B, that's who!)

Using A SoCal Business Trip To Define Love

1. Love is when you give your First Class seat to your wife who is accompanying you on a business trip to California and then sitting in her Coach Class seat instead.

2. Love is when your wife, who while sitting in your First Class seat, sends back a bowl of Cookies & Cream ice cream for you to enjoy while sitting in her Coach Class seat.

(She knows what I like!)

3. When you've just spent 20 minutes yelling at each other on the shoulder of I-5 while having to change a flat tire on the rental car within the first 20 minutes after leaving the airport . . . all while 18-wheelers are passing you at +70 mph no more than 5 feet away . . . and you're certain you're gonna die any at moment . . . well, love is when you can look at each other after it is all over and start laughing at the fact that you've just had another "Griswald moment"!

(For the record, there was yelling only because it was really loud on the shoulder of the I-5 . . . plus, Kelly thought I was going to die at any moment while changing the flat tire!)

4. Love is having just as much fun as your wife while looking for the Brady Bunch house . . . even though you didn't even like the Brady Bunch!


5. Love is having just as much fun as your wife while sitting in the audience during a taping of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno . . . even though you don't even like Jay Leno!


6. Love is when your wife repays you for driving her around to all of the Hollywood hot spots by getting you 2 tickets to a baseball game . . . that is, 2 tickets on the 4th row behind the Joe Torre and the Los Angeles Dodgers' dugout at the Anaheim Angels Stadium!


7. Love is flying home from a business trip that felt more like vacation because you took your wife along with you!


8. Finally, love is when your in-laws babysit your 17-month old for 3 straight days so the two of you can get away for a long weekend!

(Now that's love! Thanks again Mimi and Grandpa!)

One More Cruise Post . . .

In case you haven't seen it yet, here's the video of Tate literally screaming with joy on the beach in Labadee that Kelly posted on her blog.



It was just after we took this video when the sand consumption began. Apparently he loved the beach so much he had to eat it.

A Couple of Thoughts About Our Cruise

If there are two things that defy logic they are airplanes that somehow fly across the sky and ships that somehow sail over the seas . . . even though both are made from metal by man.

Despite having utilized both modes of transportation last week, I am still no closer to an understanding of how man has figured out how to thumb his proverbial nose at the laws of physics.

(Aviation and nautical engineers need not try to explain! I have neither the intelligence nor the motivation to comprehend what you'd be babbling on about!)

But what does it matter anyway?

The fact that the film Titanic is the only film to gross over $1 Billion (that's a million but with a B) while at the same time the cruise industry is capable of generating over $50 Billion annually in economic output means that humans lack the ability to “watch and learn.”

So it occurred to me as I was soaking up the sun next to the salt water pool on Deck 10 that humans are just like the wildebeests in Africa who can watch fellow herd members be dragged underwater by giant crocodiles but still fight each other to be the first to cross the river as if they are being lulled across the water by some unseen beautiful wildebeestress!

(I think Celine Dion played the role of the unseen beautiful singing wildebeestress in Titanic – look for her in the Director’s Cut)

You may never figure out how a chunk of metal as big as a cruise ship doesn't sink all the way down to Davy Jones Locker but if you can survive a week at sea without drowning, getting sunburned or embarrassing your entire family by getting drunk and dancing over-enthusiastically in the Congo line then you’ll win a free pass to the front of the ship where you'll get to step up on the rail and scream, “I’m the king of the world!”

Which, by the way, is something that I did not do because, let’s face it, that would be really silly and would embarrass my family far greater than any drunken dancing debauchery.

But be rest assured that I didn't spend the entire week contemplating only the laws of physics and my impending doom - mostly because I knew that giant ship-sinking ice bergs weren't common in the warm waters of the Caribbean.

The post below however is a list of grand revelations that only worsened the brain freeze I got from slurping down not-so-virgin strawberry dacaries and all-you-can-eat bowls of chocolate ice cream!

Enjoy!

Our Cruise En Photo

Apparently Tate is entertained by a glass bottom boat for only about 10 minutes. Too bad it was a 45-minute boat ride!


Jaws seemed much bigger in the movie.


So did Godzilla . . .


Why push your kids in strollers when you can just carry them in your backpack?


Kelly looks as though she could be a host on a travel show - she'd be great!


Nothing helps your 15-month old get through a 2 hour, 4 course meal like a few goldfish crackers!

(Thank you Dear Lord for goldfish crackers!)


Here's my niece, Mary Tish. She can sing! She can dance! She can keep Tate entertained by balancing eating utensils on her face! What talent!


Using a shower that has a window to the other part of the cabin is kinda creepy! Seriously, our shower had a window to the other part of our cabin. Why in the world would you want a shower with a window to other part of the cabin??


Here's my brother-in-law, Ford, and my sister, Tisha, my niece, Mary Tish and my dad, Robert. My nephew, Trip, is not pictured. No doubt he was out somewhere dissecting helpless sea urchins or poking a stick at a family of rock crabs.

By the way, I'm sure you've already noticed that my dad's pretty buff for being a sixty-something year old!


Which begs the question: What happened to me?


No matter where we go in the future, I'll always look forward to the next time our little family is able to get out of town and enjoy each other's company!