False Alarm at 2 AM!

Kelly and I have been sleeping in separate rooms for the past few nights.

Don't worry, we're not fighting.

With the 12-pillow arrangement that she needs to sleep comfortably (in addition to all that racket I apparently make in the middle of the night), Kelly prefers to sleep in the guest bedroom in order to get a good night's sleep until the baby arrives.

Yesterday morning, Kelly woke me up as she opened our bedroom door at 2 AM and I could tell she was walking towards my side of the bed. Before she said anything I was already thinking, 'Oh my gosh! This is it! She's coming to tell me that she's in labor! It's time to go to the hospital!'

Just as I was about to jump out of bed and grab our ready-packed suitcase, Kelly leaned over and said in her sweetest and most pathetic voice, "Wade? The wind keeps swinging the fence gate back and forth and it's keeping me awake . . . will you go outside and close the gate?"

D'oh!

Too bad none of you were in my backyard at 2 AM yesterday morning. You would have seen me walking around in my underwear, with no contacts, stumbling over patio furniture and mumbling something about the 'stupid wind' and a baby who is 'taking his own sweet time!'

Man, I sure hope none of you were in my backyard at 2 AM yesterday morning!

Shocking Confession #4 . . . but not really!

Apparently I snore.

Kelly keeps accusing me of ripping the house apart at night with my King Kong sleep apnea - which is a gross exaggeration that I have been reluctant to believe.

It's not that I don't believe I snore - it's just that there's no way I snore as bad as she describes.

So to prove her case, Kelly presented the following evidence . . . and did so with the same enthusiasm as if she had just discovered the second shooter on the grassy knoll.



My verdict: Evidence is non-conclusive!

First, how do I know it's even me? For all I know, Kelly was playing around with the camera before she went to bed and accidentally set the timer to record herself!

Second, the charge is 'insomnia caused by excessive spousal nocturnal breathing'. C'mon! Anybody can sleep through that . . . even me! That's not snoring! Heck, some people might find that rhythmically soothing!

I rule that no further action be taken due to my "snoring" will soon be trumped by a hungry, wet, screaming baby! And when that happens, Kelly will refer to my snoring as golden silence!

Let Christmas 2006 officially begin!

Now that we've taken the appropriate time to give thanks to our Lord for the blessings that we have received . . . let the Christmas season begin!

Retailers, restaurants, offices with waiting rooms, buildings with elevators, TV commercials, radio ads and even cell phone ring tones - you are all free to bombard us with Christmas carols until we can take it no more . . . or until December 26th, which ever comes first!

To guide you through this most festive time of the year, let me give 2 suggestions:

First, be sure to pay homage to the greatest Christmas movie of all time, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation:



(What? Were you expecting It's A Wonderful Life or A Christmas Story? Oh, pa-leazzz!)

Second, let me warn you to avoid the worst Christmas song of all time! I can speak from personal experience and say that if you hear this song on your car radio you will be suddenly tempted to drive off an embankment! So listen at your own risk!



Hey, I love Paul McCartney just as much as the next Beatle fan - but his eggnog must have been spiked with a little "sumpthin-sumpthin" (if you know what I mean) when he composed this noise pollution!

I can remember barely containing myself when I heard that Sir Paul was releasing a new Christmas single. I sat in my room on the edge of my bed wearing my Walkman radio in manic anticipation of hearing the next great song written by my favoriate ex-Beatle!

30 seconds into it my ears started to bleed and I suffered flu-like symptoms for a week!

Which is not the way you'll want to spend the Christmas holiday, believe you me!

So follow these 2 simple suggestions and Christmas 2006 is guaranteed to be one of the best ever! Meanwhile, be sure to stop by throughout the holiday season for additional proper guidance on optimally acceptable Noellic celebratory practices and such!

Merry Christmas!

QOTW: Macy's Thanksgiving Parade

According to my highly scientific survey, Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is still a hit.

Why?

The only thing that I can imagine being a bigger beating than watching Macy's Parade on TV is . . . well . . . watching it in person! I read that there was an estimated 1 million people who lined the streets waiting to see over-sized balloons and lip sync'er's.

At least if you see it in person you don't have to fight through play-by-play commentary from the likes of Katie Couric and Matt Lauer.

Call me a Thanksgiving Scrooge but I just don't get it!

"Will you stop down and watch Macy's Thanksgiving Parade this Thursday?"

Total votes: 18

"Absolutely! Lip sync'ing hasn't been this good since Milli Vanilli!": 11 votes, 61%

"Not while the Cowboys Pre-pre-game show is on!": 7 votes, 38%

The Invisible Leash & QOTW

It's amazing how dependant we've become on technology.

My technological dependency became quite obvious last night when, after my work computer rolled over on its back and died, I went to bed a little upset because Kelly was hogging our laptop.

Her excuse had something to do with her being 38 weeks pregnant and still not having found a suitable diaper bag - which apparently justifies 2 hours of online shopping.

I didn't get too worked up about it - but it did make me realize that the invisible leash between me and my laptop has gotten really short!
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It seems like most of you out there in the blogosphere are looking forward to getting your L-tryptophan fix with a healthy serving of turkey this Thanksgiving.

As for me, I'll probably double-up on the honey baked ham.

Here's the best explanation I've found of why turkey supposedly makes you tired: Turkey meat contains an amino acid called L-tryptophan. When eaten, this amino acid travels in the blood from the digestive system to the brain.

The brain then changes the L-tryptophan into another chemical called serotonin. Serotonin calms us down and helps us sleep.

Which is why I'll probably fall asleep somewhere between halftime and mid-3rd quarter of the Cowboy game - that is unless Vander-dork misses another pair of field goals and gets me all worked up again.

QOTW: "Do you enjoy eating turkey on Thanksgiving or would you rather have something else?"

Total votes: 18 votes

I love me some turkey: 13 votes, 72%

Turkey's not my favorite but I can deal with it: 5 votes, 27%

Please! Anything but turkey!: 0 votes

No Vacancy in Heaven?

I should share more about the people I meet in the waiting rooms of the doctors I call on . . .

Yesterday I was in a waiting room reading Happiest Baby when I suddenly realized the guy across from me had been speaking to me for the past minute or two . . . don't you just love conversations that start like that?

He was giving me commentary on Montel Williams, whose show was on the TV. (Side rant: How does that guy still have a TV show?) Montel's guest was some lady who claimed she could use spirituality to see into the future. Again, why is that spare still on TV?

Anyway, the guy in the waiting room started telling me about how his 14-year old daughter asked him if he believed in "God and Heaven and such." (Yeah, the awkward transition from Montel Williams to God and Heaven and such really confused me, too!)

Although he never told me how he answered her question, he said to me, "Between you and me: I did 3 tours in Vietnam. Everybody I knew over there who went to church ended up getting killed. I never went to church once and I came home without a scratch! Now what does that tell you?"

At this moment I was wishing I had something clever, snappy and sarcastic to say - which probably isn't what Jesus would have done. Instead, I just sat there silently hoping that wasn't how he answered his daughter's question.

Then he continues, "Besides, I don't know if I even want to go to Heaven. Think about all the people who have ever lived and are now dead - Heaven's a crowded place, it's too crowded."

That's when I finally spoke up, "Says who?"

"What do you mean, 'Says who?"

"Do you really think that Heaven is too crowded?"

"Well, yeah - billions of people have lived on earth. Do you want to go to a place where there are billions of people?"

This guy's logic was beginning to frustrate me. I was ready to roll up my sleeves and go a few rounds with him! I was ready to tell him that he couldn't possibly be disappointed with Heaven - no matter how many people are there. I was ready to tell him that God is infinite and so is his home. I was ready to tell him that Heaven is as big as needs it to be - which is bigger than we can imagine! I was ready to tell him what he should have told his daughter!

But just as I was about to set him straight I heard the nurse say, "Wade, are you ready to come back?"

Dang!

All I could think to say to the guy was, "Well, a crowded Heaven sure beats the alternative."

When a SNL parady seems all too real!

This has always been my favorite Saturday Night Live sketch because (1) it's funny and (2) the "little boy" reminds me of myself growing up - sad, isn't it?

It's all fun and games until you can relate to something you see on SNL!

(Double-click play button to start)