Friday, November 28, 2008

Wade vs. Big, Fat Squirrel

We spent Thanksgiving Day doing those typical time-honored Thanksgiving traditions. Eating turkey. Watching football. Going to the zoo.

(Excuse me, did you just say 'going to the zoo'?)

Yeah, we figured a house full of kids wouldn't stand the whole day so Kelly came up with the idea of going to the zoo. The great thing about going to the zoo on Thanksgiving Day is that there are only about 4 other people there as well . . . I love my genius wife!

One would think the highlight of a day at the zoo would be the baby lion cubs, the white tiger, the penguins or even the poop-hurling monkeys who apparently don't throw poop on Thanksgiving. But the highlight was actually a fearless squirrel who, quite literally, had gotten fat off of stealing scraps from picnic tables!

He started off cute and cuddly, which is probably his strategy most of the time. But as you can see in the video he quickly wore out his welcome. Darn little thing wouldn't leave us alone!! He kept jumping up on the table trying to snatch a snack! I was about two minutes from grabbing Tate's stroller and turning that rabies-carrying rodent into road kill!

What you don't see in the video is that Big, Fat Squirrel and I battled in a final climatic light saber duel - it ended in a draw!

I'll be better prepared for him next year, the little fat rat!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Transcript of An Actual Wendy's Drive-Thru Discussion

Me:  "Hi, what size is your small Frosty?"
Male voice:  "It's pretty small . . ."

Me:  ". . . no kidding?  How small exactly - how many ounces does it have?"

Male voice:  "Um . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "

Female voice:  "It's 8 ounces."

Me: "OK.  How big is your next size up?"

Male voice:  "Our next size up is a medium."

Me: " . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . no kidding?"

Female voice:  "Our next size up is 16 ounces."

Me:  "Great!  Let's go with a 16-ounce medium Frosty."

Male voice:  "Would like fries with that?"

Me:  (Joking) "How big is your medium fries?"

Male voice:  "Um . . . . . . . ."


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Kelly-ism #16

Kelly and I had a quick budget pow-wow the other night.  This was part of our conversation:

Kelly:  "And we also need to pay Tate's kryptonite charge."

Me:  "Tate's huh????"

Kelly: "You know, that kryptonite thing for Tate . . . "

(I give her a look of complete, utter confusion)

Me:  "Are you talking about the cryogenics storage charge for his cord blood?"

Kelly:  "Yeah!"

Me:  "Oh dear Lord! . . . . Kelly-ism!"

FYI, a cyrogenic lab charges us to store Tate's frozen cord blood in case he should ever need it in the future.  

Kryptonite is the metal that robs Superman of this strength!

Monday, November 17, 2008

What Goes Around, Comes Around!

Deep inside, I knew this moment would eventually come. It wasn’t a matter of if but a matter of when – especially considering all the destruction I caused while growing up.

There was the time when I played tackle football with a friend inside the house. My “Hail Mary” pass sailed over the couch (which was the designated end zone) and split my mom’s crystal candlesticks like an extra point attempt splits the uprights.

Her ensuing rage was justified seeing how the rarely-used-but-now-shattered candlesticks were a wedding gift. And suggesting that Elmer’s glue may possibly provide a quick fix didn’t do much to calm her down either.

Another time, I had the great idea of writing a poem to my mom on her bathroom mirror – perhaps I was still feeling guilty about the candlesticks.

I was a bit surprised how unimpressed she was with my resourcefulness of using every lipstick and make-up pencil I could find in her drawer as writing utensils. The poem was short and needed overly-detailed illustrations of me and my mom for visual effect. Unfortunately for me, neither the poem nor the pictures achieved their intended effect - quite the opposite actually seeing how I ruined her entire stash of lipstick!

But I feared fear itself when I wrecked my dad’s beloved 1984 Mazda RX-7 . . . twice! You know the one with the rotary engine? I was 15 years old the first time I laid a scratch coming out of second gear – and don’t ask why I was laying scratches when I was only 15 years old!

Unfortunately, I laid much more than just a scratch when I slammed it in into 2 other cars. It took a month to find a car insurance company that would cover me!

I recount my own adolescent path of destruction so as to remind myself not to get too bent out of shape when Kelly tells me, for instance, that Tate has bent my glasses out of shape.

It’s hard to get upset because it’s partially my fault. Anything within Tate’s reach is fair game and these were left on my night stand. Besides, how do you lecture a 2-year old about how he should keep his sticky little fingers to himself and not further handicap his visually-impaired father?

I can't help but wonder if Tate is trying to send me some kind of message through my mangled specs. Perhaps I've been putting his diapers on a little too tight lately. Maybe he's getting sick and tired of being forced to listen to all-Beatles-all-the-time in the car. Maybe he really does prefer Elmo over The History Channel.


Oh well, I had just hoped that the inevitable destruction would happen later rather than sooner.

What goes around, comes around - right?

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Best $250 I Ever Spent!

I know you have all been eagerly awaiting an update on my TV-viewing situation. For those of you who don't know, my beloved HDTV became terminally ill a couple months ago with "mysterious green column disease" (see below) and had to be put down - a truly sad day in the Strzinek household!

First, thank you all for your kind words, letters of encouragement and candlelight service - which was very thoughtful but perhaps a bit over the top!

I'm sure you will all be relieved to hear that, thanks to the extended warranty I purchased along with my TV, I was able to get a replacement at no cost! And not just any replacement - since Sony no longer makes my model any more, the warranty company called and said they would have to replace my TV with an upgraded model!

"Well, if that is my only option then I guess that's OK."

While I was still on the phone I began to silently dance around my living room like a complete fool!

Ever since the new TV was delivered, I've never been so happy to watch Dirk go 5 for 15!

The crazy thing is I actually remember debating on whether or not I should spend the extra $250 for the extended warranty. The TV repair guy who took my old TV said that it was money well spent as there are few repairs he could do on a TV for less than $250.

He also said that although these LCD and plasma TV's have a great picture they don't last nearly as long as the old conventional TV's. Most of his LCD/plasma TV repairs are on sets only 18-24 months old. Whereas most of his conventional TV repairs are on sets 7-8 years old. They just don't build them like they use to!

So if you plan on upgrading your family's TV-viewing experience this Christmas and the guy at [insert name of electronics store not filing for bankruptcy here] asks if you want an extended warranty for your new fancy-schmancy TV be sure to respond emphatically, "YES!!" - it'll be the best $250 you'll ever spend!

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Spell Check is Your Friend, People!

This was one of those moments when I stopped and actually questioned if I was the one reading the sign wrong.

After that, I just tried to imagine the senario at the Copley Place Marriott in Boston that could have lead to this tinsy oversight.

The best I could come up with was the "Wall-Mounted Sign Department" had spell check on their computers but the "Ceiling-Mounted Sign Department" didn't. 

Beyond that, I figured I was just wasting time and burning brain cells - which is a heckava lot more than what this Oversight Committee has ever done!

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Now This Is How You Do It!

So that I can prove to all of blogosphere that I'm not a total scrooge when it comes to pre-emptive Christmas celebrations, let me take a moment to actually endorse a local dining establishment for how they are marketing their yule time products.

Now this is how you do it!  Notice how Krispy Kremes is marketing the sale of their Christmas doughnuts starting on November 28th.  

(I'll pause so that everyone can check their calendars to see that November 28th is indeed the Friday after Thanksgiving!)

No pre-emptive Christmas celebrations here!  It would be so easy for Krispy Kremes to start selling their Christmas doughnuts before Thanksgiving but they know that would be un-American!

In fact, there's no better way to bring in this year's holiday season (as well as continue the fight against terrorism!) than by ordering a dozen holiday bites of heaven from Krispy Kremes on November 28th - the first day after Thanksgiving!

So let me sum up:  Boycot any establishments involved in pre-emptive Christmas celebrations (which we all know only worsens the effects of global warming) and eat lots of Krispy Kreme doughnuts!

See, I'm not a total scrooge!

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Why I'm Not Worried On Election Day

1. No man in the Oval Office has ever ruined my life.

2. No man in the Oval Office has ever made my life.

3. And speaking of the One who actually did make my life, no man in the Oval Office has ever had or ever will have any bearing on my eternal life.

Obama. McCain. Take 'em or leave 'em (and I'd much rather leave 'em all!), I'm really not worried.

But there is one thing I do wish for.  Kelly, my wiser and smarter in addition to my better-looking half, recently pointed out that the one thing that has been missing from all the political banter is grace.

Grace for those on other side of the aisle.  Grace for those with views and beliefs different from your own.  Grace for the winners and grace for the losers.   Grace for those who must also extend grace to you.

(See what I mean by wiser and smarter?)

And by the grace of God this will be all over within just a few short hours!