Wednesday, April 30, 2008

It Wasn't Broken, But I Fixed It Anyway!

As far as I was concerned, we were happy Dish Network customers.

I got my games in oh-so-beautiful High Definition. Kelly got her Oprah in Standard Definition (hee, hee!). We rarely lost our satellite reception - even during the torrid North Texas thunderstorms. And, for the most part, we were fine with the amount we were being charged.

So, there really wasn’t any reason to change providers.

At least there wasn’t until I received a brochure from AT&T U-Verse.

AT&T's fancy-schmancy brochure claimed they could offer me the same channels, HD, the ability to record 4 shows at the same time (that's when I started salivating!), pause and record live TV, Internet speeds 4 times faster than my current service, no contracts, and no activation fees . . . all for $25 less per month than what I was currently paying.

It doesn't sound like much when you think of it as saving just $25 a month but my fuzzy math brings that up to $300 in savings per year.

But it adds up to a lot if you can save a little here and there, right?

So I pulled the trigger and ordered AT&T's U-Verse!

The only problem is I can't help but keep thinking of the phrase, “If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it!”

Man, I hope I don't regret this!

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Get Out Of My Calendar, Satan!

I've been busy.

Real busy.

Too busy.

It's the kind of busy where I'm not really getting anything done because I'm so busy trying to get to the next thing on my To-Do List that I don't do a good job on whatever I'm doing at the moment . . . which often means I have to go back and re-do what I didn't do well in the first place.

Meanwhile, I can almost hear the devil snickering and laughing at me as I systematically run myself into the ground on a daily basis.

Psalm 46:10 says to "be still and know that I am God."

Being still - there's a concept. Sitting still is such a great idea that vacation spots will often use photos of people sitting still on a beach for the cover of their brochures hoping the rest of us will "buy in" - which we almost always do.

But to know that He is God - how does that help the busyness that I've allowed to clutter-up my week? Maybe if I make a point to be still God will lead me to rest by green pastures and quiet waters.

Resting by green pastures and quiet waters - now there's a concept! The great thing about that kind of rest is that it doesn't come with security checks, lay overs, and rude flight attendants who could use a little Psalm 46:10 themselves!

And now as I look at my calendar I realize that it's my own fault. Everything that I've scheduled is something that "takes" from me - yet I haven't scheduled one thing that will "replenish" me.

And that kind of calendar is one Satan likes to see!

Not anymore! Time to start crossing stuff off my calendar so that I'll have time just to be still and know!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

To The Lady I Apparently Ticked Off At Pei Wei Last Night . . .

1. I'm sorry that you think I took your parking spot. Had you not been barrelling through the parking lot while talking on your cell phone you probably would have noticed me waiting for that spot before you pulled up.

2. Had you not been completely distracted by your phone conversation you probably would have also noticed that the parking lot was half stinkin' empty and had plenty of parking for both of us!

3. Thanks for glaring at me all through dinner in Pei Wei - it gave me an opportunity to teach my son a life lesson on how to "get over it!"

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Tagged Again . . .

Keri again tagged me with a '7 random things you didn't know about me' post.

It took me while to come up with 7 things most people don't already know. I may have to throw out some really weird, dark stuff that quite frankly might scare the begeebers out of the blogosphere!

But, for Kelly's sake, I promise to keep it within a PG-13 rating!

Here we go:

1. I don't hunt. Not that I'm apposed to hunting, I just can't ever pull the trigger on anything because I start having "Bambi" flashbacks.

You remember the scene where Bambi's mom gets whacked by a trigger-happy, NRA-lovin', red-blooded American leaving Bambi to grow up in a single-parent home with a reluctant and confusing father?

Yeah, that scene is pretty much on auto-replay every time I line up any living creature in my sights!

(I bet you didn't realize Walt Disney movies had such complicated plots, did you?)

2. The "little life irritation" that has gotten the best of me lately has been when waiters/waitresses say, "Careful! Hot plate!", and then place it down right in front of Tate!

I was a waiter, too, once upon a time! And I can attest that the concept of not placing anything in front of a toddler is a quite simple one to grasp . . . at least for some people!

3. How is it that every year at about this time there are gorgeous wild flowers along the side of the highway yet there are ugly weeds in my flower beds?!?

The random factoid about me is that I actually enjoy mowing and edging my yard but it's the planting of flowers that will eventually be over run by weeds that makes me want to smack Adam and Eve around for eating that stinkin' apple - but I digress since I've already stood on that soap box!

4. I love when I get to go a long time without shaving - like leading up to the Cal bowl game during New Year's break in this past January. It's not that I really like the "scruffy" look (though Kelly thinks it's crazy sexy!), it's just that I hate shaving!

And I don't want to hear it from those of you of the female persuasion who think you've got it worse! Shaving your legs and arm pits is NOTHING like scraping a blade over half your face and neck every morning!

And when you think about it, men taunt death every time we shave because there are far more vital arteries around the face then there are in the arm pit!

Let's see you nick your carotid artery and then have to scramble around to see how many tiny pieces of toilet paper it takes to plug up that bad boy before passing out from a loss of blood!

5. None of my pants fit me now that I've stopped drinking carbonated drinks.

I won't go into much detail here since Kelly seems to be a little bitter about the fact that I've lost weight simply by cutting out cokes. I guess she thinks I should have to go on some ultra-regimented detox diet before I'm allowed to shed a few lbs!

I keep telling her that I will gladly increase my intake of Blue Bell & Magic Shell if it makes her feel better!

6.If someone asks me if I play golf I'll tell them ""Heck No!" despite that fact that I practically grew up on a golf course and played on my high school team.

Having said that, I'll gladly accept anytime my dad offers to pay my green's fee at Teeth of the Dog Golf Course in the Dominican Republic - considered one of the Top 40 courses in the world.

(Side note #1: This golf course is appropriately named!)

(Side note #2: Wearing black shoes with shorts when your legs haven't seen the light of day all spring will make them look even more white and pasty than they already are!)

7.Here's one of my favorite things to do with Tate.

Thanks for the tag, Keri!

I wonder what Audra and Helen will write!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Hello, McFly!

Nationwide Insurance was nice enough to call me from their automated call center to tell me about their great new rates for safe drivers who are accident-free.

Unfortunately, I was unable to listen to their pre-recorded message because I was driving down the highway when they called!

Somebody at Nationwide is getting paid way too much money not to think that genius idea all the way through!

Anyone home, McFly?

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Sunday, April 13, 2008

My New Favorite TV Commercial

Watch the video first, then read below.

I missed it the first time - did you?

Just so that you don't miss me, this is what I look like when I'm on my bike!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Ich Bin Ein Tibetan!

There are three things which together stand as the greatest threat to The United States of America:

1. Overly populated communist Asian countries who land-grab smaller neighboring countries in an attempt to make room for more prisons to incarcerate unruly protesters.

2. Non-incarcerated unruly protesters who demonstrate their opposition to overly populated communist Asian countries by disrupting public events.

3. The Oreck 8 Pound Upright Vacuum Cleaner.

Let's start in order - 1. China's aggressive take-over of Tibet and suppression of its people should be viewed the same as a school yard bully who is being both aggressive and suppressive. In a blatant disregard of Generally Accepted School Yard Principles, China has taken control of Tibet without any justification and/or provocation.

At least when America invaded Iraq, we could have sworn Iraq had something to do with world terrorism! But in our defense, how were we to know that the mastermind behind 9/11 was actually a cave-dwelling Saudi who (as some far right-wing extremists would have us believe) is somehow distantly related to Senator Barack Obama?

But there is no defense for China! They haven't even shown the common courtesy to mistakenly accuse Tibet of hiding weapons of mass destruction!

Consequently, these actions taken by China have drawn the much-feared and uncomfortable glare of this blog! You have just been put on notice, China!

2. I now turn my disapproving gaze to those no-good-do-gooder-anti-People's-Republic-of-China protesters whose attempts to single-handily defeat The Red Army have instead marred and disgraced America's favorite over-hyped and under-attended parade, the Olympic Torch Relay.

These protesters have erroneously directed their ill-will towards the Olympic Torch bearer as if he or she were somehow connected to China, Tibet or even served as a symbol of peace through sport and the Olympic ideal . . . with or without the steroids!

Carrying the Olympic flame in a torch relay is wonderful achievement that is meant to honor the individual - not the hosting country! But just when the torch bearer was supposed to be cheered, the protesters instead gang rushed them in the middle of their moment in the spotlight!

Ooooo, I'm sure that showed China! No doubt they now see the error of their ways and will pull out of Tibet while begging for the world's forgiveness!

So let me cut to the point(s):

1. China, stop picking on countries smaller than you - which, according to the last time I checked a world map, is all of them!

2. Protesters, stop robbing people of their rightly earned 15 minutes of fame in the name of your own well-intentioned yet sorely misguided political agenda!

3. Oreck, stop making light-weight vacuum cleaners - they're contributing to this country's outbreak of flabby arms! Vacuum cleaners should weigh at least 35 pounds out of the box!

As for Tibet, let us all unite and say "Ich bin ein Tibetan!" - which awkwardly translates to, "I am a Tibetan jelly doughnut!"

Sunday, April 06, 2008

High School Musical, Chick-Fil-A & Mirrors That Make You Look Fat!

Kelly won "Aunt of the Year" honors last night by taking our niece to see High School Musical on Ice.

(Great! Now I'm gonna get 50 hits a day from 10-year old girls googling HSM! I'm a grumpy old man! Grrrrrrr! Go away!)

Since it was just me and the little man, I defaulted to my standard dinner at Chick-Fil-A. Hey, why make it difficult on yourself when you're flying solo, right?

It was kinda ironic that during dinner Tate was completely captivated by 3 10-year old girls decked out in HSM outfits who were obviously on their way to the show themselves. It was hard not to be - they were so reved up their squealing and giggling filled the entire restaurant.

At one point, one of the little girls came in from the playground and announced, "Mommy! They've got a mirror that makes you look fat!"

I nearly spit out my iced tea from laughing so hard!

Mommy replied, "Eh, we've got one of those at home!"

Then I actually did spit out my iced tea from laughing so hard!

Friday, April 04, 2008

What More In The Name of Love?

"Early morning, April 4
Shot rings out in the Memphis sky
Free at last, they took your life
They could not take your pride
In the name of love
What more in the name of love?"

(Interesting trivia: Martin Luther King, Jr was actually shot at 6 PM - check your facts, Bono!)

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Play Nice or Go Home!

I'm sorry . . . but it had to be done!

I thought we were all doing a good job peacefully co-existing. I thought we were able to respect each other's personal space within cyber-space. I thought there was a certain level of mutual understanding that dictated that this is my blog and that is your blog.

What I do and say on my blog is my business and what you do and say on your blog is your business . . . so long as you don't try to conduct your business on my blog!

Thanks to on-line Brazilian computer stores, personal typing assistants who I have apparently met at the airport and those selling services on a website I dare not visit, I have reluctantly decided to add Word Verification to my Comments window!

I know, I know - Word Verification is a beating! It's a bothersome extra step you have to take when all you want to say is a quick 'hello'.

Half of the time it doesn't work because you can't figure out if one of the letters is a p or a q! That's an n - no, it's an m. How can that be a v? It looks like an u!


But it's even more infuriating when I find spam comments on my blog!


One of these days I'm gonna bump into one of those comment spammers! And when I do, I'm gonna grab him (or her, but more than likely him) by the collar and . . . ! Well, let's just say that I will take a moment to communicate my disappointment in how he has chosen to earn a living!

And by reading some of your blogs, I know you feel the same way!

(I'm feelin' ya' PHylemon!)

Watch out, Comment Spammers! You've just been put on notice!