Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I Think I Just Gave My Dog A Complex!!

Macy has been looking pretty rough lately. Actually, not just looking rough but smelling rough as well! She doesn't look so bad in the picture above despite being a little shaggy - but, trust me, lately she has had a far less endearing presence in person.

So I took her down to the local groomers this morning to get her cleaned up but I think she got more than the two of us bargained for!

I specifically remember using the phrases "she needs the works" and "she probably needs to be thinned out for the summer."

Oh, she got thinned out alright!!

(See below)

She's practically naked!!

Apparently there is quite a differential in the two ways the groomer and I define "getting the works!"

In this picture you can begin to sense the disgust and humiliation Macy must feel right now! So much for walks through the neighborhood after dinner every night! We'll be lucky if Macy leaves the house before Labor Day weekend this September!!

Oh well, at least I won't have to spend a lot of time this summer brushing her out! Instead, I'll just have to spend a lot of time driving Macy back and forth to doggy therapy!

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Beatle LP Collection #2

Here's a Beatle album cover pop quiz: Which of the two albums below is titled Let It Be? The first album titled Introducing . . . The Beatles or second album titled Let It Be?

I'll give you a moment to decide . . . need a little help? . . . here's a hint, the correct album has the words Let It Be printed in white across the top . . .

That's right! It's the second album!! Very good!! Pretty easy, huh?

So you can probably imagine my surprise when the one person who got it wrong was the same person who sold me the album on eBay!

After winning the Let It Be album, I had to wait and wait for it to arrive all while the seller was giving me some line about not being able to get to the post office because her car was in the shop - now that's a likely story, isn't it?!

My suspicions were starting to rise . . .

When the package finally did arrive, I was more than put out when I pulled out not the Let It Be album that I had won, but an Introducing . . . The Beatles album instead!!

Hey, what gives???

(I actually wrote 'What gives?' in my email to the seller!)

The lady was pretty quick to respond to my polite yet stern email. Her exact words were, "I guess you can tell I don't know anything about music or albums. They all look alike to me."

They all look alike????? I don't fault her for being musically disinclined, but she can read, can't she? One album says Let It Be and the other says Introducing . . . The Beatles. How hard can it be?


To her credit, she let me keep the Introducing . . . album she sent by mistake. I later found out why - it's a counterfeit album that Vee-Jay records released in the fall of 1964. It was in the stores for only a few months.

One thing that made it such a rip-off was the fact that even though the record advertised stereophonic sound (the equivalent of HD surround sound of the 60's), it was produced in monophonic sound instead (the equivalent of something less than HD surround sound of the 60's).

Bad, Vee-Jay, bad!

Oh, well! Her loss - my gain! Now I have two additions to my Beatles LP collection!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Using A SoCal Business Trip To Define Love

1. Love is when you give your First Class seat to your wife who is accompanying you on a business trip to California and then sitting in her Coach Class seat instead.

2. Love is when your wife, who while sitting in your First Class seat, sends back a bowl of Cookies & Cream ice cream for you to enjoy while sitting in her Coach Class seat.

(She knows what I like!)

3. When you've just spent 20 minutes yelling at each other on the shoulder of I-5 while having to change a flat tire on the rental car within the first 20 minutes after leaving the airport . . . all while 18-wheelers are passing you at +70 mph no more than 5 feet away . . . and you're certain you're gonna die any at moment . . . well, love is when you can look at each other after it is all over and start laughing at the fact that you've just had another "Griswald moment"!

(For the record, there was yelling only because it was really loud on the shoulder of the I-5 . . . plus, Kelly thought I was going to die at any moment while changing the flat tire!)

4. Love is having just as much fun as your wife while looking for the Brady Bunch house . . . even though you didn't even like the Brady Bunch!

5. Love is having just as much fun as your wife while sitting in the audience during a taping of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno . . . even though you don't even like Jay Leno!

6. Love is when your wife repays you for driving her around to all of the Hollywood hot spots by getting you 2 tickets to a baseball game . . . that is, 2 tickets on the 4th row behind the Joe Torre and the Los Angeles Dodgers' dugout at the Anaheim Angels Stadium!

7. Love is flying home from a business trip that felt more like vacation because you took your wife along with you!

8. Finally, love is when your in-laws babysit your 17-month old for 3 straight days so the two of you can get away for a long weekend!

(Now that's love! Thanks again Mimi and Grandpa!)

Monday, May 19, 2008

Random Google Search Results #7

Time once again to sit back and belly-laugh at people who can't find anything better to google!

The post that supposedly lead them to Wade's Rantings is listed below each random Google search.

1. "twenty signs you've watched too many movies" - I don't have twenty, but here's one: You are beyond the point of addiction when you need as many as 20 signs before you can determine if you've watched too many movies.

Top Ten Signs You've Watched Star Wars Too Many Times

2. "urinary track games" - Let me guess, this is something kids play at rave parties, right!?!

I've Got A Stomach Virus And A Urinary Track Infection! Isn't That Hysterical?

3. "how do I describe an easy going kid" - Hmmm . . . Have you thought of using the phrase "easy going?"

A Website That Will Describe Your Personality . . . And Then Give You A Complex!

4. "I know you love me and soon you will see we were meant to be" - OK! I think it's time I go private! . . . psycho!

It wasn't meant to be . . . or was it?

5. "does neil diamond wear hearing aids?" - . . . What?

Perhaps any one of these posts about my hearing aid . . .

6. "I just got 2 speeding tickets in a month" - See Kelly, I'm not the only one who has done this!

Tap the Brakes!

7. "I lost my wedding ring on the golf course" - Try looking in your golf glove, that's where I found mine!

Shocking Confession #3

8. "Great Dangs giant dogs" - I think the phrase you're looking for is 'Great Danes giant dogs'!

Husband fights giant mutant cockroach while wife blogs

9. "seven old ladies got stuck in a lavatory" - Ha! That story sounds better than mine!

I'm on the FAA's Watch List!

Friday, May 16, 2008

Something For Your "Good to Know" Folder

I recently learned that deferred judification for a speeding ticket in the City of Fort Worth is only $97 bucks!!!!


That's a heck of a lot cheaper than the $250 fine Colleyville charges . . . or so a friend of mine who once got a ticket in Colleyville once told me!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Church Marquee of the Week #2

"If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why couldn't he just have bought himself some food instead?"

Though I didn't have the chance to slow down and take a picture of the marquee, I saw this yesterday on the sign of a Flower Mound church.

It's actually a really great thought . . . I just don't see the connection between between a coyote's lunch and my salvation!

Monday, May 12, 2008

I'm on the FAA's Watch List!

In the midst of last week's insanity, there actually was something you'll find pretty funny that happened on my flight back to Fort Worth.

Catching a 6 AM flight meant that I had to wake up at 3 AM in order to get to the airport on time. And since I didn't fall asleep in my hotel room until around 12:45 AM because I was so worried about Tate, it's fair to say that I was traveling in a sleep deprived stooper.

But if there's is one good thing about flying at the crack at dawn is that most flights that early have a few open seats up in First Class. Hoping to get a little more leg room for sleeping, I threw down my AAdvantage Gold Member card and gave the lady at the check-in counter my best pathetic puppy dog eyes look!

Score! Maybe there really is some good left in the Evil Empire after all!

With my extra cushy First Class seat leaning back in ultra-recline, I put Mozart's Requiem on auto-repeat on my iPod and slept nearly the entire 3.5 hour flight home.

I could tell when I woke up that we were descending and so I jumped into the lavatory (which was just ahead of my seat) to put in my contacts but as soon as I did, someone started banging on the door!

Immediately annoyed at whoever couldn't wait a whole stinkin' 2 minutes for me to mess with my contacts, I cracked open the door only to find an irate flight attendant instead!


Apparently in my dazed-and-confused-sleep-deprived stooper, I had failed to notice when I woke up that we were, in fact, literally about to land!

Had you been there, you may have been impressed with how I was able to exit the lavatory, get in my seat and fasten my seat belt . . . all in one motion!

I spent the remaining 3 minutes of our flight starring out my window and acting like I didn't notice the glare I had caught from the guy sitting next to me!

(Hey pal, mind your own business!)

I bet that flight attendant had flashbacks to her security training videos when saw me hop out of my seat and start toward the front of the plane so quickly! One more step closer to the cockpit and I probably would have been tasered by two trigger-happy, undercover air marshalls!

But in my defense, wasn't the flight attendant supposed to wake me up to tell me to turn off my iPod and return my seat to its full upright position?

Oh, well! It's not exactly the A List most people hope for but at least now maybe I won't have to show my ID to the FAA all the time when I travel - they'll already know who I am!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Parental Helplessness

I have never felt so useless, helpless, disconnected, or out of the loop as I did on Wednesday when Kelly told me she was taking Tate to the ER.

1,300 miles of separation will do that to you. While Kelly was filling out HIPPA forms in a Fort Worth waiting room, I was in pacing back and forth in a Philadephia conference room.

All I could think was that I shouldn't have left Kelly alone with Tate while he still had a stomach virus. Not that I could have done anything to keep Tate from being admitted - but at least I could have felt useless while holding Tate in Fort Worth instead of feeling useless while impatiently waiting for Kelly's next text message in Philadelphia.

I hated not being there. I hated not knowing. I hated that I couldn't hold Tate in my arms. I hated that I couldn't tell him that he was going to be OK.

I hated every minute of it.

And once Kelly told me that Tate was being admitted I had had enough! The next flight out of Dodge was at 6 AM the next morning - which was not soon enough!

But knowing that I would be home in a mere 12 hours suddenly made me feel a little better.

I finally got to the hospital around 9 AM and soon had Tate sitting in my lap.

There was nothing more that could have been done by me being there in person. So I did the one thing I could do - I whispered in his ear that God loved him and so did I.

Sometimes that's all we need to say and hear.

It certainly seemed to help the both of us.

Friday, May 09, 2008

We're Home!

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers! We are all now home resting comfortably!

Tate woke up this morning with a healthy appetite. Since his breakfast didn't upset him, we figured Tate would be better off resting in his own crib at home - especially since it doesn't come with an IV needle!

It was actually pretty funny when we pulled up in our driveway. Tate started clapping and had a big smile on his face - he was sooo glad to be home!

Tate is still pretty weak but he's not so lethargic anymore. Even though the Dr said he's not contagious we're going to spend the weekend close to the house to give everybody a chance to rest.

Once again, thanks for all your kind words and prayers. This was one of those situations where you knew God was in control and that your child would get better - but it still ripped your heart out having to watch him having to go through it all!

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Prayers for Tate

First, Tate is going to be fine.

But he had to be hospitalized for dehydration due to a stomach virus he has been fighting the last several days.

Kelly will probably be better at giving all the details that lead up to being admitted but what started everything was a little constipation and not being able to keep down fluids - see previous post!

From what we can tell at this point it seems as though he has moved past the virus since he had no diarrhea or vomiting today. But what has lead to a second night in the hospital is that Tate doesn't seem at all interested in drinking fluids of any kind. So, until he does, we'll be hanging out at Cook's!

Again, he'll be fine - but the three of us can use your prayers! Kelly had to go through everything yesterday on her own as I was stuck at a conference in Philadelphia. But thanks to a 6 AM flight this morning, I'm back at home now. I'm taking the night shift tonight so she can go home and get a good night's rest.

Hopefully the morning will bring the fun-lovin', milk chuggin' Tate we all miss so much. If that's the case then I'm sure we'll be home soon!

Here's a pic I took of Tate during one of his calmer moments today . . .

Please pray for more moments like these . . . especially tonight!

Monday, May 05, 2008

How's Your Gag Reflex?

Which situation would make you gag the quickest?

1. While you are holding your 17-month old son, he throws up his breakfast of milk and banana nut bread because he so constipated from not having a BM in 3 days.

(There's no where else for the food to go - poor little guy!)

2. Having returned from cleaning said 17-month old, you discover that your golden retriever has eaten all the throw-up off the floor . . . and then looks at you as if she's hoping you'll give her some more!

(That dog is just wrong!)

3. Looking over and noticing that your 17-month old's inevitable diaper explosion is now oozing down his legs.

And before you answer, know that I experienced each one yesterday!

Oh, by the way, here's a great parenting tip: If your child is backed up and you don't have any prune juice around - try grape juice instead.

Believe me! It works just as well!

(But don't worry, Audra! You'll love being a parent!)

Sunday, May 04, 2008

9 Years!

I’m sure some of you are wondering if I had forgotten an event a far more important than my own blogaversary . . .


I was just waiting to blog about our 9th wedding anniversary until after I had a chance to scan some pictures for your viewing enjoyment. But since that’s probably not going to happen any time soon, let me commemorate the occasion by instead using a picture of Kelly and I on Easter weekend 2006 – Kelly was pregnant with Tate at the time.

Kelly mentioned on her blog that we went out to celebrate our anniversary. For the evening's entertainment, she came up with the great idea of re-reading some old letters I had written her while we were dating at ACU 12 years ago.

5 words: Stinkin’ hilarious and unbelievably embarrassing!

So, for your reading enjoyment, I’ll share the letter that makes me cringe the least. I’ve copied the letter below word-for-word as I wrote it. The text in blue is my “Director’s Commentary”

“Hey You! (I had her at ‘Hey You!’)

How ya’ doing?

When I asked you last night if you would be in Chapel, I had forgotten that I had to go to a panel and answer a bunch of questions about University Seminar. (Apparently my habit of forgetting important things has been a life-long affliction!) But I was bummed about not being able to see you @ Chapel.

Speaking of Chapel, guess who rocks my world! (Hmm . . . I would have assumed it would have been Kelly.) Rita in Chapel Services! (A then-40-something-year old woman who worked in Administration)

I went in today to check up on my Chapel absentences.

(Absentences?? Holy cow! How in the world did I graduate from high school let alone college with that kind of spelling? Absences!)

Kelly, I had 10! (We were only allowed 15 absences from Chapel per semester) Man! I’m glad I went in because Rita changed it to 6!

(I wrote this note during the phase of dating when you’re trying really hard to impress the other person – so why am I telling Kelly about my apparent problem with attending Chapel?)

Go! Rita! Go! (Yeah, that’s probably where I lost Kelly!)

Anyways, o yeah! (Awkward transition statement!) I was in the Bookstore this morning and I saw these new Starburst Twizzler thingies! (I still say ‘thingies’ but probably won’t anymore after reading this letter) I know that you love those Starburst Jelly Beans (Me, too!) So I bought these for ya’!

(And that’s how I reeled Kelly back in – buying her the good stuff!)

Try ‘em and tell me what you think!

(There’s a big arrow I drew at the bottom of the page directing Kelly to turn it over as if she didn’t already know there was still more to this never-ending, meandering piece of Shakespearean love poetry!)

Well I hope you have a great day! (‘great’ is underlined for emphasis!) I’ll be home most of the afternoon and all the evening (because I had no life outside Kelly) so give me a call . . . PLEASE!! (Easy! You’re starting to sound desperate!)

Actually, I’d like to see you if I can. (OK, now you’re freaking her out!) If you got some time today (because I sure do!), swing by or give me a call and I’ll come over!

(Will someone please hit me the next time I sound this pathetic?!?!?)

OBKB? (Yet another phrase I say that comes across way better in person than on paper)

All right, keep smiling! (Another awkward transition statement and confusing half sentence.)

Enjoy your Starburst Twizzler thingies!


(Finally, it's over!)

I know what you're thinking, “What was Kelly thinking?”

Regardless of what she thought, I’m glad she thought enough to say “Yes!”

Love you, Babe! I’m looking forward to our next 9 years!

Friday, May 02, 2008

Happy Blogaversary to Me!

Two years and still ranting!

In the midst of my own busyness I completely forgot that I had my 2nd blogaversary a couple weeks ago. April 13, 2006 was my first post.

Thanks to everyone in the blogosphere for making it a fun 2 years! I love all the stories, comments and friends I've met along the way!