My New Office

Just wanted to let you all know my new office location:

Panera Bread

1700 S. University

Fort Worth, TX 76107

(Preferably the 2nd table on the right as you walk in the door. Cell phone number is the same!)

Why the change? Good food. Great cookies - try their chocolate chip walnut! But, most of all, free high speed Wifi!

Since Tate has a way of keeping me from attacking the ever-growing stack in my In-Box on my desk at home, I've discovered the greatness of doing office work by using Panera's free Wifi.

It's genius on their part. They offer me free Wifi - I buy their food and get work done. It's win-win!

Which leads me to wonder, why do hotels like Hilton and Marriott charge me $30 a day for dial-up speed internet access? Starbucks isn't any better with their required T-Mobile account.

C'mon, people! Free Wifi = more walk-in business!

Meanwhile, feel free to stop by and see me at my new office. No appointment required . . . especially if you're buying!

National "Throw Out Your Random, Worthless Collection That Does Nothing But Take Up Space And Clutters Up Your Office" Week

I hereby declare the week of January 28th National "Throw Out Your Random, Worthless Collection That Does Nothing But Take Up Space And Clutter Up Your Office" Week!

(Whew!)

When I transferred to Stendhal University (Grenoble, France), I started a collection of Coke cans from every country that I had visited. That's gotta be cool, right? Every can looks a little different! Different designs, different languages - but somehow all still tasting the same.

(Yeah, right!)

Sure, pretty cool - until 10 years later when one of the cans leaks nappy-smelling Coke juice all over your shelf! So much for that collection!

But before I throw them all out I thought I'd at least document that I had such a collection (Will first consider offers from Coca-Cola product collectors!)

Here's where I got the cans from (starting from left to right):

1. Czech Republic - The Land of Strzinek's!

2. Belgium

3. Brazil - Actually, I've never been to Brazil. Bert & Paige brought this back for me when they went to visit his brothers there.)

4. Germany - That can is half a liter!

5. Italy

6. Austria

7. France

8. Brazil again

9. Mexico - My latest addition

10. Abilene, Texas - Although some would say that west Texas is a country unto itself, this Dr. Pepper can actually made my collection because it commemorates Abilene Christian University's Centennial Year 1906-2006.

There you have it. Collector items one day - recycle bin fodder the next.

Make the most of this week and tell me about your random collection of clutter that you're about to throw out!

Don't always expect the expected.

I stepped onto a typical elevator yesterday - the kind you'd expect to find in a typical 18-story building.

Packed with people. A few stiff suits (including mine). A couple of brief cases. And very little wiggle room.

The 10-floor ride down to the lobby was also what you'd expect. All quiet besides the hum of the elevator. Someone clears their throat. Another digs through a purse looking for car keys. Everybody watching the floor numbers flash by as if we didn't know which floor would come next. A cell phone rings but the call goes to voice mail - thank you, sir, for not answering and forcing us all to listen to a one-sided conversation.

We were halfway down when I noticed the little 7-year old girl standing quietly in the corner behind her mom.

Just as I noticed her, the elevator came to a stop and the doors opened to the lobby. From her corner, the little girl exclaimed in great relief, "Yea! It opened!"

Those of us in stiff suits couldn't help but burst out in laughter.

I walked away thinking: (1) Was she really worried that the doors may not open? (2) I never thought about the possibility that the doors wouldn't open even though there is no guarantee that they would. (3) How did Tom Hanks get out of that elevator in You've Got Mail?

What to do? What to do?

For those of you who don't know Keri, she has been ordered to bed-rest while waiting for her little one to arrive (hopefully any day now).

Eventhough her doctor gave her a couple hours of free time each day, I thought I'd come up with a list of things she could do when she has to stay in bed.

Feel free to add to my list!

1. Force Gracelyn & Cameron put on daily puppet shows at the foot of your bed.

2. Use pages torn from magazines you've read 12 times already and learn how to fold origami.

3. Use the wadded-up origami-failures to shoot baskets into your trash bin.

4. Keep calling your friends and ask, "So . . . uh . . . what are you doing now?"

5. Turn on your ceiling fan and see if you can keep your eye on just one blade as it spins around . . . but be careful, this could induce labor!

6. Practice how you are going to lecture to your child when he gets older about all that you had to do to bring him into this world.

7. Try to figure out why in the world anybody would want to play Sudoku.

8. Watch a re-play of President Bush's State of the Union Address and count how many times he mispronounces America by saying 'Amurica'.

9. Re-discover your love of being somewhere other than inside your house.

10. Watch this video . . .

Hang in there, Keri! You can do it!

Tagged . . .

When Laura got tagged she forgot to tag someone else. So, being the helpful friend that I am, I said, "Aren't you supposed to tag someone else?" She said, "Oh yeah! Tag, you're it!"

(Note to self: Cut back on being so helpful!) Just kidding, Laura!
______________________________

1. I’ve come to realize that my ex-girlfriend --- made the right decision when she broke up with me.

2. I am listening to --- toots and burps - and, for once, they're not all mine! (See below!)

3. I talk --- for a living. So it's ironic that I'm most successful when I stop talking and just listen.

4. I love --- the sound of my tires on the pavement when I'm cycling downhill with the wind at my back. It's the sound of maximum output efficiency. Sorry, it's a cycling thing.

5. My best friends --- (college roommates) have more stories about me than I have about them . . . which makes me nervous.

6. I lost --- $20 in 5 minutes at a Blackjack table in Shreveport and it bothered me for the rest of the weekend . . . which is why I'll never become addicted to gambling.

7. I hate it when people --- , especially teenagers, walk around like they are starring in their own reality TV show.

8. Love is --- "an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." (Robert Frost)

9. Marriage is --- "falling in love many times, always with the same person." (Mignon McLaughlin)

10. Somewhere, someone is thinking --- 'Who the heck is Mignon McLaughlin?'

11. I’ll always be --- running a few minutes late.

12. I have a crush on --- whoever invented Magic Shell (Please don't be a guy! Please don't be a guy!)

13. The last time I cried was because --- my wife had just given birth to our son . . . she was crying, too!

14. My cell phone --- drops way more calls than what Cingular Wireless advertises.

15. When I wake up in the morning --- I slap my alarm clock into next week!

16. Before I go to sleep at night --- I make amends with my alarm clock.

17. Right now I am thinking --- 'amends' sure is a funny word.

18. Babies are --- surprisingly controlling and completely captivating.

19. I get on MySpace --- by accident only. (See #7)

20. Today I --- had a very interesting conversation with a 60-year old woman about the movies she watched growing up. She actually used the word 'hottie' to describe Fred Astaire! Ha!

21. Tonight I --- really couldn't have cared less what the President said during the State of the Union Address. I'm too tired for politics right now. (I know, I'm a bad American!)

22. Tomorrow I --- have to drive from Ft. Worth to Granbury to Eastland and back . . . I really hope Tate doesn't keep us up tonight!

23. I really want --- to be better at giving compliments.


OK, there you go. Let's compare what 2 sisters would say - I tag Kelly & Shannon!

Diaper Dude Update

Just in case you didn't hear the first of this story . . .

I emailed DiaperDude.com to say that I helped them get some free radio advertising in a Top 5 market.

It was kinda funny when I got a response back asking if I would let them come on the air and talk about other 'dude-friendly' products of theirs. I had to explain that I didn't work at the station; I was just some guy who got the radio show hosts to talk about DiaperDude.com on the radio.

Ohhh!

Apparently they were very appreciative because they are sending me a complimentary Diaper Dude diaper bag!

Now that's how you show customer appreciation! Pay attention American Airlines!! I wasn't expecting anything but I think it's pretty cool that they would give something back in return.

Diaper Dude has single-handedly restored my faith in Corporate America!!

Since I obviously already have a Diaper Dude, I'm going to give my complimentary bag to Jody & Janell - they're expecting twins!! You may remember that Jody is the friend who I originally showed my bag to - thus putting this whole crazy story into motion.

In appreciation of their thoughtful gesture, I told Diaper Dude I'd put a permanent link to their website on my blog and tell everyone to check it out.

Seriously, folks - check out DiaperDude.com

It won the highly coveted and very prestigious 2006 Wade's Greatest Internet Purchase of The Year Award!

Tate-ism #4

This is what I found when I went to the nursery the other night after hearing a not too happy Tate.


Tate somehow worked his arm out of my award-winning swaddle while managing to keep his shirt sleeve still tucked in.

Looks like we've got a little Houdini on our hands.

Or perhaps a south-paw quarterback - that's pretty impressive arm strength! Which makes total sense seeing how I'm left-handed and threw a mean spiral in Pee-Wee football!

Snow Day?

I, along with the rest of North Texas, was more than just a little surprised to wake up to a blanket of snow outside yesterday morning.

Kelly and I actually heard a weatherman on TV try to explain how they missed this in their forecast by saying, "We're not perfect, folks!"

News flash!

Like a little kid staying home from school, I got bundled up and went outside to play in the snow with our dog Macy. I wanted to take Tate out to play as well but Kelly kept going on about him only being 7 weeks old and it being less than 25 degrees outside - whatever!

The best thing about snow in Texas: Here today - gone tomorrow!

KTCK The Ticket Discusses My Manliness on The Air

The local sports radio station here is KTCK The Ticket, thier Noon-3 show is called BaD Radio with hosts Bob and Dan - hence the name.

A weekly bit of BaD Radio is called 'Gay or Not Gay'. This is where Bob and Dad read emails from listeners and judge whether some of the things that guys do lack the required amount of manliness in order to remain 'not gay', as they put it.

Not too long ago I found myself in a questionable situation involving a diaper bag and wondered if my manliness was being called into question. So I emailed BaD Radio . . . and my email was read on the air today.

Click here to hear what they had to say.

But before you do, let me make just a few points of my own:

1. The first guy you hear talking is Bob. Bob calling me long-winded is like the pot calling the kettle black. That being said, I have noticed that I've been using a liberal word count lately so I'll try to shorten things down a bit in the future.

2. In paraphrasing my email, Bob gets the story wrong. You'll know exactly when because you'll hear me yell, "No!" in the background - I made the recording using my voice recorder while sitting in my car. What Bob left out was that I was showing off my diaper bag to my friend who is expecting twins; thus in the market for a diaper bag himself.

3. My question was, "Is it gay to suggest a particular manly diaper bag to another expecting father if the bag keeps him from appearing gay by having to carry the frilly, pink diaper bag that his wife would pick out?" Since I don't get a clear answer, feel free to chime in yourself with your thoughts.

4. Click DiaperDude.com to see the diaper bag in question.

By the way, I feel perfectly manly in saying that I love my diaper bag! It's greatness!
__________________________________________________________

For those of you who are interested, here's my 5 paragraph email to BaD Radio. Yeah, Bob's right - this is long!

"Dear Good-Good’s of BaD Radio,

Your ruling is needed on whether I am in violation of causing gayness on not only myself but on an unsuspecting friend as well.

When my son was born earlier this month I knew that we would soon be venturing out in public with child and diaper bag in tow. Although it’s not gay to be seen with your newborn son, it is gay, however, to be seen carrying the frilly baby diaper bag – particularly if it’s the over-the-shoulder-with-a-pretty-monogram-on-the-side-and-pretty-much-looks-like-an-oversized-purse variety that my wife picked out for herself.

Knowing that I needed to avoid the socially unacceptable situation of being seen carrying said-bag, I googled ‘diaper bags for guys’ and quickly found www.diaperdude.com – it’s a diaper bag made in a messenger bag design (across-the-chest) and marketed to dudes like us, hence the name. It’s a great bag and when I go out I feel like I’m getting away with something since most people don’t even realize it’s packed it with onesies and burp rags.

But here’s where my manliness may have gone astray: Last week my wife and I had a couple over for dinner. Since they are expecting twins, I couldn’t wait until they arrived so I could show my buddy my new diaper bag! Keep in mind, my enthusiasm was just as much with knowing that I would be preventing him from potential future gaiety as it was with bragging about my latest great internet purchase. Although I used phrases such as, “Here’s where you put the diapers and here’s where you put the baby wipes!”, I also said things like, “Here’s where your cell phone or your iPod goes and here’s where your sport drink goes!”

It was at about this time that my buddy and I (both P1’s) looked at each other said, “Gay or not gay!” (but not simultaneously, because that would have been gay!). We obviously realize the tremendous gay-factor associated with being excited about diaper bags, but our question to you is: Is it gay to suggest a particular diaper bag to another guy if that particular diaper bag keeps him from appearing gay? Surely there’s some kind of ‘gayness-prevention exemption’ in play here."

Do you do the Heimlich?

I remembered something the other day that I haven't thought about in a long time: During my senior year at ACU, I had to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a lady choking on a piece of steak.

I'm not trying to pat my own back or brag or anything, it's just that the entire experience was kinda weird.

It happened while waiting tables at a now closed steakhouse in Abilene called The Out Post. Here are the crazy details:

1. The woman's husband just sat in his seat and casually said, "My wife is choking" as if he was only asking for the check.

2. I knew how to do the Heimlich only because I read the OSHA safety posters on the break room wall.

- As long as I can remember, I have always preferred to read something if I am eating alone. Since I rarely brought anything to read to work, I read the OSHA posters while eating alone before and after my shifts.

3. After I Heimlich'ed her a second time, a chunk of steak the size of a filet mignon shot out of her mouth and flew across the dining room.

- C'mon, people! Cut your steaks into tiny pieces just like your mom used to do for you!

4. Most of the other people around just sat there and stared with mouths wide open while a couple at the next table applauded and gave me the thumbs-up.

5. For whatever reason, the first thing I said when I saw that she was OK was, "Would you like some more bread?"

- What would you have said after bear-hugging some perfect stranger? I half expected her to sarcastically respond, "Gee, I just saw my entire life flash before my eyes and I just got man-handled by a wide-eyed 20-year old. Yeah, I think I would like a fresh dinner roll!"

6. Afterwards, I went straight to my manager and told him what happened. All he said was, "Cool." He didn't even bother to go by her table and check on her.

- I always thought that my manager's 'whatever' attitude was what eventually led to not only the closing of The Out Post but the destruction of the building as well.

7. The husband left me a $20 tip.

- I felt like running out the front door and yelling into the parking lot, "$20 Bucks? Is that all she's worth to you?" It's not that I was expecting to be awarded the key to the city or anything; it's just that I thought $20 sounded a little cheap - especially since a trip to the ER would have cost hundreds more!

8. Kelly was impressed.

- Since we were still only dating at the time, I think she saw this as another selling point of mine and suddenly felt a certain degree safer in knowing that she would be less likely to choke to death by dating and/or marrying me . . . which is exactly how I planned it!

All this to say, if you don't know how to do the Heimlich then have OSHA come out and hang safety posters up on your wall.

A couple of quick things . . .

First, I posted Pride (In The Name of Love) by U2 in my sidebar in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr Day.

"Early morning, April 4
Shot rings out in the Memphis sky
Free at last, they took your life
But they could not take your pride"

Second, I took the word verification off of my comments section because it's an absolute beating.

Tate-ism #3

Apparently the smirk is Tate's way of telling us he's got a surprise for us in his diaper!

Prayers for Keri & Baby

I got this email from Cameron, Keri's husband, today. Keri is a little over 33 weeks pregnant.

"Just wanted to update, Keri is in the hospital preterm labor. As you know this is a little early so they are slowing her contractions so they can give the baby steroids to help his lungs. She is still having a lot of contractions, so when they stop the medications she will more than likely go ahead and give birth. I ask every one to pray that the babies lungs are fine and for Keri to have a great delivery."

Please keep Keri and her baby in your prayers!

Kelly-ism #8

How much sports is too much?

The answer will depend on who you ask. For me, there's never too much so long as the team is competitive.

(Yes, that means I'm a fair-weather fan. I have neither the time nor the mental capacity to sit around and watch millionaires be mediocre.)

If you ask Kelly, I think the answer has to do with something with what else is on TV and whether or not she likes the team's uniforms.

I can't blame her too much about the uniforms though. I'd rather take a close look at one of Tate's dirty diapers than be jolted by the color scheme of the Smurf Turf at a Boise State home game.

(Don't bother adjusting your monitor - the field is supposed to look blue.)

All of this to say, I kinda felt bad last night while watching the Mavericks when Kelly walked into the living room and said:

"Not another sports game!"

I guess I've been force feeding her quite a healthy serving of the Cowboys, college football bowl games and the Mavericks lately. I'll give her a break and lay off college basketball . . . until March Madness!

I have to hand it to Kelly, though - she continues to watch 'sports games' with me long after her cup has overflowed. Unfortunately for her, I've yet to return the favor. Anytime so much as a commercial for Oprah or The View comes on I usually run screaming from the room!

I guess I should start working at showing more of an interest in things Kelly likes.

Oh, by the way, the Mavericks play the Pacers tomorrow night!

Keep All 6 Feet on the Floor!

There's not much about Mrs. Hamilton's 4th grade class that I remember - which is more of an indictment of me as a student than it is of her as a teacher.

There is one thing I do remember - mostly because Mrs. Hamilton had to say it 10 times a day.

"Wade! Keep all 6 feet on the floor!"

Yep, I was a chair-leaner! Forward. To the side. Backward. It was mostly a nervous habit I did without consciously realizing it (a typical characteristic of ADHD).

Sometimes I actually tried to improve my chair-leaning skills. Mrs. Hamilton gave me Silent Lunch one day when I nearly fell back and busted my head open after attempting the tricky maneuver of balancing only on the back two feet of the chair.

But, all in all, my chair-leaning days have been accident-free . . . until last night! This probably falls in the 'just had to be there' category, but . . .

After our Home Team Bible Study at Brad & Melissa's house, we were all in the dining room eating pizza and bashing the Dallas Cowboys . . . when all of a sudden, through no fault of my own, my chair spontaneously explodes and I'm thrown across the room and nearly through a plate-glass window!

Well, what actually happened was I performing the subtle '2-0-2 Lean' - that's where your own two feet are on the floor but your leaning back so that the front 2 feet of the chair are elevated only a couple inches. (I became good at this particular lean after my Silent Lunch because it's harder to notice).

Apparently the 2-0-2 puts an enormous about of pressure on the rear chair legs - who knew? When my chair broke, the back legs literally split down the middle from the seat down, which sent me falling backwards and nearly crashing through the dining room window!

Now keep in mind, this wasn't your run-of-the-mill kitchen chair that Melissa picked up from Furniture 'R Us. Oh no! This was her dining room chair with the real pretty fabric and fancy wood finish. A set of 8, ahem, 7 rather thanks to me!

Another proud moment for Kelly!

Ever felt like a big, fat klutz and only 6 inches tall at the same time?

Brad and Melissa were cool about it (at least in front of me). Brad tried to make me feel better by telling me some story about how he had done the same thing one time. Melissa tried to play it off like it was no big deal. But, Mrs. Hamilton from 4th grade suddenly walked through the front door and yelled, "Told you so!" - which was actually kinda weird!

Adding insult to injury, when I got back home last night I had to change my "Days Accident-Free" sign back to zero!

Again, I am so sorry, Brad & Melissa!

Tate-ism #2

Happy 1 Month Birthday, Tate!

Having heard enough, Tate acts like he's sleepy to get away from Daddy's endless stories about 'the good ol' days'.

I Hate Allergies . . . and Walgreen's Customer Service!!

Kelly, Tate and I stopped at the Walgreen's Drive-Thru last night to pick up my allergy medication.

After we had sat 2nd in line for over 10 minutes and seeing no hope of pulling forward to the window, Tate decided he was done waiting. It's amazing how much louder that boy seems to cry when you're sitting inside a car. On top of that, his cry turns so pitiful when he gets really hungry! I'll try to get it on tape for you sometime.

Since I couldn't bear hearing Tate's wails of misery any longer, I decided I'd just come back for my allergy medication tomorrow - big mistake!

It's now 4:00 AM tomorrow morning and my allergies are flaring up big time! I can't breathe! I can't sleep! I'm sneezing! I'm hacking! And I've completely slathered my entire upper body with Vick's Vaporub - so now when ever I do get a breath of air it's 90% Vaporub fumes and only 10% oxygen . . . which means I'm starting to see some freaky-weird hallucinations!

And to top it off, Tate has been wide awake since 3 AM! He's fine so long as somebody holds him. Have you ever tried blowing your nose with one hand while trying to hold a baby with the other? Yeah, I don't think Tate would recommend it either!

Whew! I just got rescued by Kelly - it's feeding time again which usually means Tate will be out like a light once he's done (cross your fingers!). Poor Kelly, tonight she has 2 babies keeping her awake!

Too bad Roanoke doesn't have a 24-Hour pharmacy, they'd be getting my business as well as this sad tale of woe right about now! But don't worry, my pharmacist will get a chance to hear all about my early morning once he opens in another 3 hours! I think I'll get there so that I'm standing at the door when he unlocks it!

Sorry to vent - I guess I'm hoping somebody will feel my pain!

My New Year's Resolutions . . .

For 2007, I resolute to:

- Use my blinker more often.

- Let Kelly finish her sentences.

- Brush Macy more often.

- Brush Macy's teeth more often.

- Do that thing that I was supposed to do in 2006 but forgot what it was that I was supposed to do.

- Not continually loose my keys, wallet, cell phone, sunglasses, wedding ring(s), hearing aid and . . . well, pretty much everything I own.

- Not get upset about having weeds in my yard.

- Not let things pile up on my desk.

- Read more books than I did in 2006 - which would be around 12 or more.

- Watch less TV than I did in 2006 - which will actually be hard now that we've got HD.

- Continue to spend time with 'the kids' (my niece & nephew) even though Tate is here.

- Spend more time at home now that Tate is here - where else would I want to be with a face like this?

- Finish a bike race with an average speed of 20 mph or better . . . without ending up in the Emergency Room . . . again. (Kelly's rule!)

- Raise more money than last year for the Sam's Club MS150 - which would be $375 or better.

- Beat last year's time in the Sam's Club MS150 - which would be 163 miles in less than 9 hours, 48 minutes.

- Somehow end this country's insatiable appetite for Paris Hilton, Linsey Lohan and Britney Spears. (Any ideas, people?)

- Have more patience for people who have the common sense of a lemming.

- Try not to glare at people who talk too loud on their cell phone and/or have annoying ring tones.

- Try to improve the strained relations I have with The Evil Empire, more commonly known as American Airlines.

- Try not to give a rip about what celebrities think or say about President Bush, the war, our country or anything else in general.

- And most importantly . . . pray as much as I can!

Whew! This is going to be a busy year!

Happy New Year, Everyone!

QOTW: Boxing Up Christmas Decorations

"When do you plan on taking down your Christmas lights?"

Total votes: 12

Just after New Year's: 8 votes, 66%

They're already down: 3 votes, 25%

You're supposed to take them down?: 1 vote, 8%

Valentine's Day: 0 votes