Do you do the Heimlich?

I remembered something the other day that I haven't thought about in a long time: During my senior year at ACU, I had to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a lady choking on a piece of steak.

I'm not trying to pat my own back or brag or anything, it's just that the entire experience was kinda weird.

It happened while waiting tables at a now closed steakhouse in Abilene called The Out Post. Here are the crazy details:

1. The woman's husband just sat in his seat and casually said, "My wife is choking" as if he was only asking for the check.

2. I knew how to do the Heimlich only because I read the OSHA safety posters on the break room wall.

- As long as I can remember, I have always preferred to read something if I am eating alone. Since I rarely brought anything to read to work, I read the OSHA posters while eating alone before and after my shifts.

3. After I Heimlich'ed her a second time, a chunk of steak the size of a filet mignon shot out of her mouth and flew across the dining room.

- C'mon, people! Cut your steaks into tiny pieces just like your mom used to do for you!

4. Most of the other people around just sat there and stared with mouths wide open while a couple at the next table applauded and gave me the thumbs-up.

5. For whatever reason, the first thing I said when I saw that she was OK was, "Would you like some more bread?"

- What would you have said after bear-hugging some perfect stranger? I half expected her to sarcastically respond, "Gee, I just saw my entire life flash before my eyes and I just got man-handled by a wide-eyed 20-year old. Yeah, I think I would like a fresh dinner roll!"

6. Afterwards, I went straight to my manager and told him what happened. All he said was, "Cool." He didn't even bother to go by her table and check on her.

- I always thought that my manager's 'whatever' attitude was what eventually led to not only the closing of The Out Post but the destruction of the building as well.

7. The husband left me a $20 tip.

- I felt like running out the front door and yelling into the parking lot, "$20 Bucks? Is that all she's worth to you?" It's not that I was expecting to be awarded the key to the city or anything; it's just that I thought $20 sounded a little cheap - especially since a trip to the ER would have cost hundreds more!

8. Kelly was impressed.

- Since we were still only dating at the time, I think she saw this as another selling point of mine and suddenly felt a certain degree safer in knowing that she would be less likely to choke to death by dating and/or marrying me . . . which is exactly how I planned it!

All this to say, if you don't know how to do the Heimlich then have OSHA come out and hang safety posters up on your wall.