Random Google Search Results #6

Time for another installment of random Google searches that pulled up my blog. I'm starting to get a little worried. It doesn't bother me that there are people who use the Internet to get info on the most random topics, but it's all fun and games until their random search actually leads them to Wade's Rantings!

As always, the link is to the post that lead them here.

1. "things to say to my wife to make her feel bad" - Jerk!

(For clarification, that was intended for the guy and not his wife!)

20 Things I Love About My Wife

2. "top 10 flirting techniques during the gym workout how to get that guy" - Which is more random? Somebody asking an Internet search engine for advice on how flirt with a guy at the gym . . . or the fact that an Internet search engine sent them here . . . on second thought, don't answer that question!

But this brings up one of my biggest pet peeves - it drives me nuts when woman gawk and stare at me when I'm trying to pump iron at the gym!

(OK, you can stop laughing at me now!)

The Workout Gym Culture

3. "does sam's club have birth announcements?" - I've heard of diapers in bulk - but birth announcements?

Sam's Club MS150

4. "safe to put toothpaste on face when pregnant?" - I'm almost 99% sure that it is, but I'm also 99% sure that the toothpaste will be far more effective if you put it in your mouth.

I have no idea how this person got here!

5. "when do you not do the heimlich?" - Shannon said, "If you don't like the person who's choking."

Note to self: Be sure not to choke on anything when only Shannon is around!

Do You Do The Heimlich?

6. "why is my computer making random Google searches?" - Seriously? Somebody actually did a Google search on this? My initial thought is that it probably has something to do with user error!

Any one of these!

7. "website that describes your name" - Wow, what an exciting website that must be. I can only imagine what it would say about my name.

"Your name has one syllable and the 4 letters w, a, d and e."

I have wasted a lot of time looking for waste-of-time websites but that website would be ridiculously pointless!

A Website That Will Describe Your Personality

Not All Hope Is Lost!

As a card carrying member of The Grumpy Old Men’s Club, I’m required to carry a certain amount of hidden disdain and blatant lack of patience for today’s youth.

But below is a photo of 4 young men who might have actually single-handedly restored my hope for America’s future.


This year’s cycling season had its official start today at the Moritz Ride for Heroes. I did 45 miles in 2 hours, 30 minutes. Not bad – the fun part came when I topped out at 35 mph down a country road!

Weeeeeee!

Afterwards, we were able to take in hamburgers from the Aledo Fire Department and live music from a local garage band. Being the hooligan-looking types that they were, you would have thought they would have only played current (mind-numbing) stuff like Fall Out Boy, Maroon 5 or Good Charlotte.

But much to my surprise they actually played mostly Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin or The Beatles. In fact, the closest they got to today’s current Top 40 was some GNR and old school Van Halen. And what was even more surprising . . . it actually sounded pretty good! They’re playing Hey Joe in this picture.

The guy playing the white guitar was throwing down some screamin’ licks! In case you don’t know, that’s cool garage band talk for ‘really good guitar playing!’

It’s good to see that the youngin’s can still appreciate good music. It would be even better if they would get decent haircuts!

I guess kids these days first learn music appreciation before they're taught personal hygiene!

I'm Sure There's A Sermon Here Somewhere

I know that every time I bow my head to talk to God he hears an idiot praying. But this little book gave me a moment's pause in a check-out line recently.

I guess I'm not sure what to think about this edition of The Complete Idiot's Guide or what should be said to the person who considers purchasing it.

It's easy for me to say, as an idiot who grew up in the church and took praying for granted as something that just comes naturally, that this book isn't necessary. Didn't Jesus already teach us how to pray? (See Matthew 6)

But if you've never read Matthew 6 then how would you know what Jesus said? In that case, I suppose I should thank The Lord for The Complete Idiot's Guide to Prayer for showing us proper Deity dialogue.

It may not be my beloved NIV, but who am I to question the legitimacy of a $3.00 paperback if it helps someone pray a prayer for the very first time.

What's funny to me is this book was placed along side other 'impulsive purchase items' in the check-out line - which makes me wonder if this book has a chapter on how to pray impulsively.

If so, maybe I should have bought a copy for myself.

Tate-ism #14

"Socks?!? Aw, man - I was promised a chocolate bunny!!"

(Thank you for my Easter socks, Mimi!)

Bumper Sticker of the Day #3

"It's funny only until someone gets hurt . . . then it's freaking hilarious!"

One More Cruise Post . . .

In case you haven't seen it yet, here's the video of Tate literally screaming with joy on the beach in Labadee that Kelly posted on her blog.



It was just after we took this video when the sand consumption began. Apparently he loved the beach so much he had to eat it.

A Couple of Thoughts About Our Cruise

If there are two things that defy logic they are airplanes that somehow fly across the sky and ships that somehow sail over the seas . . . even though both are made from metal by man.

Despite having utilized both modes of transportation last week, I am still no closer to an understanding of how man has figured out how to thumb his proverbial nose at the laws of physics.

(Aviation and nautical engineers need not try to explain! I have neither the intelligence nor the motivation to comprehend what you'd be babbling on about!)

But what does it matter anyway?

The fact that the film Titanic is the only film to gross over $1 Billion (that's a million but with a B) while at the same time the cruise industry is capable of generating over $50 Billion annually in economic output means that humans lack the ability to “watch and learn.”

So it occurred to me as I was soaking up the sun next to the salt water pool on Deck 10 that humans are just like the wildebeests in Africa who can watch fellow herd members be dragged underwater by giant crocodiles but still fight each other to be the first to cross the river as if they are being lulled across the water by some unseen beautiful wildebeestress!

(I think Celine Dion played the role of the unseen beautiful singing wildebeestress in Titanic – look for her in the Director’s Cut)

You may never figure out how a chunk of metal as big as a cruise ship doesn't sink all the way down to Davy Jones Locker but if you can survive a week at sea without drowning, getting sunburned or embarrassing your entire family by getting drunk and dancing over-enthusiastically in the Congo line then you’ll win a free pass to the front of the ship where you'll get to step up on the rail and scream, “I’m the king of the world!”

Which, by the way, is something that I did not do because, let’s face it, that would be really silly and would embarrass my family far greater than any drunken dancing debauchery.

But be rest assured that I didn't spend the entire week contemplating only the laws of physics and my impending doom - mostly because I knew that giant ship-sinking ice bergs weren't common in the warm waters of the Caribbean.

The post below however is a list of grand revelations that only worsened the brain freeze I got from slurping down not-so-virgin strawberry dacaries and all-you-can-eat bowls of chocolate ice cream!

Enjoy!

Our Cruise En Photo

Apparently Tate is entertained by a glass bottom boat for only about 10 minutes. Too bad it was a 45-minute boat ride!


Jaws seemed much bigger in the movie.


So did Godzilla . . .


Why push your kids in strollers when you can just carry them in your backpack?


Kelly looks as though she could be a host on a travel show - she'd be great!


Nothing helps your 15-month old get through a 2 hour, 4 course meal like a few goldfish crackers!

(Thank you Dear Lord for goldfish crackers!)


Here's my niece, Mary Tish. She can sing! She can dance! She can keep Tate entertained by balancing eating utensils on her face! What talent!


Using a shower that has a window to the other part of the cabin is kinda creepy! Seriously, our shower had a window to the other part of our cabin. Why in the world would you want a shower with a window to other part of the cabin??


Here's my brother-in-law, Ford, and my sister, Tisha, my niece, Mary Tish and my dad, Robert. My nephew, Trip, is not pictured. No doubt he was out somewhere dissecting helpless sea urchins or poking a stick at a family of rock crabs.

By the way, I'm sure you've already noticed that my dad's pretty buff for being a sixty-something year old!


Which begs the question: What happened to me?


No matter where we go in the future, I'll always look forward to the next time our little family is able to get out of town and enjoy each other's company!

Happy Birthday, Babe!

The first, and most important, thing I'll share about our cruise last week is that a certain special love of my life had a birthday while we were gone!

Happy Birthday, Babe!

I'll let Kelly give the details of how we celebrated. For now, here is another list of 10 things I love about my wife . . . in addition to the list of 20 and the list of 12 I've done previously!

1. I've said this before, but if it weren't for her mad planning and organization skills, I'd never go on cool trips like the cruise we just went on.

2. I loved how Kelly did her hair in the picture above - she looked freakin' hot that night!

3. I love to watch Kelly play with Tate - it brings out the little girl in her!

4. Speaking of which, I don't know what I would do without Kelly's guidance and direction with Tate. She gave up her career and fully committed herself to our child. And because of that, both Tate and I are far better off!

5. At the moment, my favorite meal she cooks is her world famous brisket for BBQ sandwiches - she even makes her own homemade BBQ sauce!

6. This may sound weird but I love it when we laugh at the same parts of a TV show or movie - it just makes it that much funnier to me. Half of why I love The Office, Little Miss Sunshine and Juno so much is because she loves those shows, too.

7. Even though she pokes fun and sarcastically calls me "Mr. Blogger", she knows she's actually my #1 fan!!

(Right, Babe?)

8. Kelly continues to push me to become a better husband, father, son and child of God. Even though I make it difficult on her sometimes, I know I desperately need that kind of help from her.

9. I've always loved to make Kelly laugh - which is why I enjoyed our dinner on her birthday. We both got really tickled at my own awkwardness during a formal meal.

(Why in the world do you need 4 forks to eat a meal anyway?)

10. I've said this before but it's still one of my favorites: I love the feeling of getting a hug from Kelly first thing in the morning!

Happy Birthday, Kelly! What a blessing you are to me!

Retraction #1

Does my blog look it has gotten a little sun?

I took last week off to go on the Strzinek Family Cruise.

(Oh! So that's what The Love Boat video was all about, huh?)

I'll give you all the details later this week when once the feeling of being on a ship at sea wears off.

But here's a little tease . . . I'm not giving names for now, but there was sand consumption!
____________________________________________________

Meanwhile, my dear, sweet and loving wife recently pointed out the hypocrisy that has been festering within my soul.

After smacking around a local physician for abusing apostrophes, I soon after had a moment of grammatical stupidity myself when I titled a post A Father's High's and Low's - a mistake that apparently could have been easily corrected with the use of spellchecker.

(Whatever! Do apostrophes serve any purpose anyway?)

Since I fear The Wrath of Deana, please let me make a retraction and point out that the correct spelling is A Father's Highs and Lows. And let me also point out that I have titled this post Retraction #1 since there are sure to be more to come . . . 'cause I ain't no English Major!

Intermission

National "Start A Random Collection" Day

You may remember when I celebrated National "Throw Out Your Random, Worthless Collection That Does Nothing But Clutter Your Office and Take Up Space" Day by tossing out my foreignly bottled Coke can collection because of nappy coke juice leaking out of the cans.

Ever since then I've been trying to figure out how I would replace the random collection void in my life. I was kinda hoping that Aunt B from NoCal would have by now given me her collection of vinyl Beatle records.

For some reason though, the phrase, "Don't hold your breath!" keeps coming to mind. So, I decided that I would build my own collection of Beatles LP's via Ebay - which requires far more effort and money than if you're favorite aunt-in-law would just give you her collection already!

I started with Something New (bottom left), which was stolen with permission from my dad's very short stack of LP's.


I then picked up Meet The Beatles (top left), Abbey Road (too right) and Magical Mystery Tour (bottom right) when I strolled past a LP shop near South Street in Philadelphia - which is a very cool pedestrian street if you're ever in that area, by the way.

My latest addition is the Help! album (top left) - which ranks as one of my favorites in the Beatle library.


Kelly noticed that it didn't seem right to have an empty spot next to the Help! album. Hmmmm, guess I'll have to buy something to put there!

Anyway, here's to random collections that nobody fully appreciates but yourself!

A Father's High's and Low's

Today I got to experience both my most favorite thing and my least favorite thing to do as a father.

Most Favorite Thing: Riding my bike with Tate tagging along in his trailer.

Least Favorite Thing: Cleaning poop out of the bathtub.

Just thought I'd share . . .

5 Things You Didn't Know About Me . . .

Trey tagged me with 5 things you didn't know about me . . .

1. I cried at the end of The Green Mile. Well, it's probably more accurate to say that I got misty-eyed - although I don't think either sound very masculine.


I don't know why that movie got to me. I saw it by myself when Kelly was out of town so maybe I was already emotional because was I missing her (brownie points!).

It was pretty pathetic how I was wiping my eyes when the lights came up and blaming it on "my darn contacts" to the people next to me!

2. Although I didn't cry, I felt really bad when I accidentally killed our goldfish a few years ago. We had a counter top aquarium with about 3 or 4 fish. We had the fish for several months and I was doing a good job changing out their water and keeping their tank clean.

Unfortunately, I must have put some bad water in their tank one day because the very next morning I came downstairs to find Nemo and his family belly up.


I felt guilty all week about killing those fish! I kept thinking, "I killed God's creations!!" I think most of it was not knowing exactly what went wrong. Maybe I overfed them or perhaps they got SARS.

Regardless, I felt so bad I didn't buy any more fish. I went to the store but couldn't help imagining all the fish screaming in terror that they would have to go home with me!

3. I'm legally deaf and blind.

I've always been extremely hard of hearing because I have a "desensitized right inner ear". Essentially, the inner workings of my right ear never fully developed so I was born with poor hearing. I started wearing a hearing aid in college when audiologists were finally able to make a hearing aid that would actually help thanks to digital technology.

As for being blind, I had 20/20 vision until the 4th Grade when I shot myself in the eye with a BB gun (insert "You'll shoot your eye out!" line from The Christmas Story here).


The long story short was that I was shooting at a coffee can in my backyard when the BB ricocheted off the can and hit my bottom eye lid - had it hit my eye directly it would have ruptured my eyeball!

My eye was swollen shut for 3 days and I've had to wear extremely powerful corrective lenses ever since - without them I'm literally blind as a bat!

4. As an outward cry for attention, as well as an act of rebellion against my parents, I grew out my hair during my sophomore year in high school. My bangs touched my chin! Thank goodness there's no photographic evidence of my most awkward teen-aged phase.

5. Another act of rebellion was me insisting that I ride a Honda 100cc motorcycle for a year after I turned 15. It was actually a lot of fun. Naturally though, I thought of myself as being much cooler than I actually was.

Thanks for the tag, Trey!

Now I'll tag . . .

Kelly because, as my wife, she always seems to have stuff for me to do.

Get Off My Lawn! because he tagged me not too long ago.

Audra because I know she'll play along.

EDMC because whatever she writes will inevitably make me laugh.

And Keri because I want to know if she's still alive!!!!!!!